when passion is not useful in life.

I've learned a lot from my friend Sara lately.

She is a very wise and smart person, who has helped me understand a lot about myself and the effect I have on other people.

For instance, she is helping me understand the effect my passion has on other people...which is something I have never thought about.

This conversation came to be after I talked with her multiple times about the pseudo-relationship I was in last year. I told Sara how it never made any sense to me. When I was with this girl, who I was in love with, she seemed to emotionally and otherwise echo this feeling. But when I would leave, it was like we were still just friends. It was an awful and unhealthy relationship, and from my talks with Sara I understand why this all came to be.

Let me start off by saying, I am an extraordinarily passionate person. I put my entire heart into my relationships, my music, my work. My heart has never known protection or walls or what it is to be guarded. I am thankful for this (sometimes), because I believe this sort of free-flowing passion is one of the most pure ways someone can express emotion.

The first time I ever hung out with this girl outside of school was to study for our "Bible as Literature" class. The first time I ever hung out with her I knew I could love her like I have never loved anyone else before. Up until this point in my life, I never knew this feeling was possible. The only comparable feeling was when my band and I had an amazing show...but even that is not adequate. She just wanted to be friends, as the story goes, but that did not change how I felt.

So the more we hung out as strictly friends, the more I realized that I wanted to love her, that I did love her. And I let her know this. I let her know this through how I treated her, how happy she made me without even trying, how much joy and passion filled my heart and spilled out of my mouth when we were together. The next thing I knew, one day I was dropping her off after we had breakfast at Bob Evans. She got out of my car, but had yet to shut the door. I called her name. She stuck her head back in the car and asked "What?". I told her "Nothing!" but in my head what happened just then was she kissed me when she stuck her head back in the car. But there was no way I was going to let her know that. She could see right through me "You thought I was just going to kiss you when I stuck my head back in didn't you!" she said absolutely beaming.

And she was right, I did want to kiss her. So much. So, the next thing you know we were kissing in her driveway in broad morning light. There were fireworks and bombs and crowds roaring and angels applauding in my head. The girl who I had been friends with for 2 months before hand. How did this happen? I was confused. Did she feel the same way I did? She had too of...right?

Six months later, this was still going on. We were practically dating, but only when we saw each other. Other times she treated me like an enemy, a brother, a mentor or her mental therapist. And all of this confused me. A lot.

Fast forward to this summer where I have met a few beautiful women. All of them, loving time together, not so much time apart but when we are together everything seems wonderful.

I am sure you have your own, simple and wrong theories as to why this is.

My friend Sara has helped me understand these instances in a different way.

I am a passionate person. People get swept away by passion. Passion is a fast, but peaceful and beautiful river that when you put someone in that with you it's almost as though they are helpless to fight against it. Passion is infectious.

When you hang out with someone who is happy, what do you end up feeling? Happy.

When you hang out with someone who is sad, what do you end up feeling? Sad.

When you are together with someone who is super passionate, what do you end up feeling? The same thing they are.

All the great (albeit terrible sometimes too) leaders of the world were people of great passion. Undoubtedly. That is one of the huge reasons so many people listened and respected them. Because they spoke the convictions of their heart like most people don't. They weren't scared to show their emotion. They opened the flood gates and let the water rush in.

You get swept away by it. I think that's what happened in those failed relationships. These girls never wanted to get invested in me, but because of how passionate I am it just overflowed to them and for a few minutes maybe they felt the same.

Ultimately though, they don't. Passion can never change peoples mind (unless of course that's your intention). And I never want to have to try to win someone over to feel the same way I do.

I can not be with a girl that does not share equal passion. Not just about me, I believe, but about life. I have met too many woman that are easily swept up by passion and it ends up being confusing for them and hurtful for me because up until now I have NEVER realized the effects that passion can have on other people, in particular people that you are romantically interested in.

I hate this idea, though I believe it to be true. I hate it because it makes me step back from my idea of dating, my idea of just going all in. Because I think when I go all in that is when people get swept away by "the moment" and get confused with how they actually feel.

So the question then is have I ever dated a girl that TRULY liked me for who I am and not because of how passionate I am and how I just put my heart out there? And how do I know the next time if a girl truly is interested in me, or if my joy is just over flowing to her.

I want to be loved because I simply exist, and for the entirely of all the horrible and all of the great things I have done. I want a woman that is strong and does not let herself get swept away by passion until she knows she feels the same, or maybe what would make more sense is a woman who is equally as passionate about being vulnerable and loving as I am.

I want to be loved for my soul, like I love her for her soul and all the beauty and sadness and joy and her doubt.

Until that miracle happens, of God somehow being like "THIS IS IT. THIS IS HER." I have realized I need to keep my joy and passions in check with women. I need to not date, I need to not hang out with a girl unless we both genuinely see each other as friends or family (shout out to Ms. Fouts and Ms. Woods!!!). This seems impossible, to be honest, but I know that this is a step in the right direction for my life.

I don't want to become a less passionate person by any means, I just want to learn how to refine it when I am around a beautiful girl who I'm romantically interested in.

If you are a passionate person, be aware of how your passion affects other people. I am excited to learn more about myself through reflecting with others. I don't think I do that enough.

10 Records that Continue to Challenge Me As An Artist (in no particular order)

In a recent mini documentary featuring Jay-Z and Kanye West for their collaboration record, West at one point says "I want to make music that is just SO GOOD that it makes other people not want to try to make music anymore."

What a statement to make. That was my first thought.

But then I thought about longer, and I knew exactly what he was talking about. Multiple albums popped in my head, albums that I not only thought were spectacular, but albums that made me think "Man. This is SO GOOD. I can't even begin to imagine writing something that good. I should just take a break."

There are records, for me, that raised the bar SO high for me as a musician and a songwriter that there came certain points where I would stop writing music for weeks to months due to knowing how far out of reach that bar they set was.

Here are some records that have truly challenged me as a musician, records that raised the bar to unthinkable heights that I am still striving, with every song I write, to reach.

1. Florence and the Machine: Lungs

2. Bon Iver: Bon Iver, Bon Iver

3. Matthew Good: Avalanche

4. The Ataris: Welcome the Night

5. 1997: ...A Better View of the Rising Moon

6. Lydia: Illuminate

7. P.O.S.: Never Better

8. Dashboard Confessional: The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most

9. This Will Destroy You: This Will Destroy You

10. The Graduate: Anhedonia

exploding hearts: how playing music in front of people with my best friends is the most religious experience i have ever had

Once you feel something that moves you to the point of feeling like your heart is about to explode from all the joy and passion you feel at once, it's so hard to forget about it.

A few days ago I read my friend Abby's latest tumblr where she talked about how much she missed playing music. Abby and I used to be in the same band together for a good year and a half, and have been best friends since. After reading how much she misses playing music, it's the only thing I have been able to think about. How much I miss the joy and passion and energy I felt when I would play music with my band.

I've never felt a feeling that even comes close to the overjoying sense of playing in front of people. But it was never because I wanted to impress people or become popular or look cool, it was because of how alive it made me feel.

If you're in a band, or you play music, and your heart does not feel like it's about to explode from joy and passion--I honestly ask you to take a few steps back and figure out why you play music. Because you "like" it? Would you marry someone because you "like" them? No. You want to be with someone forever because you love them. Because they bring you joy, because they make you feel alive, because they bring out the best in you.

I will always remember the feeling of our second to last show at the Clazel Theatre in Bowling Green, Ohio. We were opening for our friends The Phantasmagoria, an absolutely amazing instrumental band also from the area--and more importantly for me, the girl I was in love with was there. She was about to see me do the thing that makes me feel more alive than even being around her did. I remember feeling like my heart was literally about to rip out of my chest because of how happy I was and how much energy and passion was just exploding inside of me. At the same time though, I felt controlled. I felt at peace. I felt the energy of four of my best friends up there with me sharing in that experience. I can't think of any other life experience that can afford you to feel that with people. It was like feeling like you were perfectly in love with four different people--of course you aren't actually--but that's the closest I can describe it. I remember looking at them all as we were going through all set, and seeing the lights and fire in all of their eyes. That this was making them feel alive too.

Being in a band is really hard though, because playing shows is only about 1/6 of it all. Every thing else about it...booking shows, selling tickets, finding time to practice, writing music, recording music, finding new members when old members move on, getting along with your band, trying to be on the same page as four other people...is really, really hard work--and sometimes through all of that you forget why you started in the first place. I know I did. After that show more or less quit the band, as I didn't want anything else to do with booking shows, selling tickets, finding time to practice, writing music, recording music, finding new members when old members move on, getting along with your band, trying to be on the same page as four other people. I was tired of it and I just gave up.

I forgot I was doing all that extra stuff (and some of it shit...like selling tickets and booking shows) for that 1/6 slice of The Kaleidoscope, Brighter pie...to feel alive. To play music. To spend 30 to 40 minutes feeling like my heart is going to explode out of my chest and into the audience because of how happy and alive I feel.

Soon after I gave up playing in the band, Brian our drummer got married and moved to Cleveland, Abby our singer got a job and moved to Nashville--making the chances of us getting together to play music again slim to none. It wasn't until this year though that I realized how much I needed it. How much I needed to feel alive from music. I would try and play as much as I can for my college worship band, because I did feel something there, but it wasn't the same. I tried really hard to make playing in that worship band not about the personal experience I wanted and connecting people with Jesus. Which is great, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the same.

Clearly, my band was not created to carry on and play music with each other for years to come. And I see and understand that. But that does not make me want it any less. When I think about all of the amazing memories I have from this band, even mountain sized regrets I still carry around about personal regrets, and anger I have towards people that have hurt me, seen like nothing. They don't seem real. They seem insignificant. They seem so small and stupid. Forget the girl that broke my heart and her boyfriend that I hate, forget how much I cheated on my future wife throughout college and how much regret I feel about that...with my four best friends I got to play music. I got to open up for some of my all time favorite bands like Lydia and Eye Alaska...bands that make ME feel a light and fire inside of myself. And I had the opportunity to do that for myself and for other people too. I got to feel alive, and it is so hard to ignore how much I want to feel that again.

Who knows, maybe someday I will. I'm hoping to get a job in Nashville to be closer to Abby, hopefully at the very least her and I can play music together and feel alive again. I don't want what all these stupid kids in their stupid bands want. I don't want to get signed, tour the world, become famous, win anything--I don't want ANY of that.

I just want to feel alive again, the way playing music in front of people used to make me feel. I want to feel like my heart is about to explode out of my chest again. I want to look over and see the lights in my best friends eyes and know that we are sharing this absolutely religious experience together. I want it all back.

Critiquing Nonprofits: How Ungrateful Are We?

So today, as I am sure some of you know, TOMS came out with the next product in their "One for One" line. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the video here.

A lot of my friends are critical thinkers, like I am. But I never would have excepted the reaction to the new TOMS campaign to be anything close to what it was. I had friends posting statuses on Facebook like "Wow. Eye Wear?", "The most overpriced sunglasses ever...", and a bunch of the like--and that super bummed me out.

As for the price of the sun glasses, take five minutes to see what will be done when you buy a pair.

You are not just paying for someone to get eye glasses, you are paying for a whole eye diagnoses, along with possible corrective steps including glasses and maybe even surgery. And who are you to critique an organization that has blessed so many peoples lives? If you think you can do what TOMS does better--then shut up and put up.

I think people critiquing this next step for TOMS the way they are truly speaks to the arrogance and ungratefulness of our generation. Only in America would you find people that can honestly NOT be stoked on an organization that helps others in such an apparent way. Yes, THERE ARE ALWAYS BETTER WAYS TO DO THINGS. But that is not the POINT here. The point is they ARE doing a REALLY REALLY GOOD THING and helping SO many people in need, and I think when we lose sight of that we only rat out how intelligent, and "above" it we think we are.

So people can go ahead and critique TOMS and continue fooling themselves into thinking that they could actually do better, but me, I am SO grateful that organizations like TOMS exist--helping people in need and also providing a super awesome product for the buyer.

And if you don't want to buy TOMS shoes or products anymore because a pair of yours eventually ripped (as do a lot of shoes with tons of active wear), you got a pair in the mail that had a snafoo (wrong size, a little hole, wrong style), or what have you (and God forbid that a nonprofit makes mistakes like ANY OTHER COMPANY and you CLEARLY forgot that you were REALLY buying the shoes to give a pair to a little kid half way across the world in need) quit bitching and go ahead and buy your sweatshop made Nike Air Jordans whatever the hell have you. I'm sure the white suits at Nike, Rebok, and all the other like sweatshop shoe companies are still really in need of your money to add to their billion dollar, self-centered empire.

Kindest Heart: I Knew You Once, I Loved You Once [Update 1]

This last year of college, I took a music in popular culture class. In that, I learned about this thing called "skiffle rock". "Skiffle rock" was this form of rock in the 1940's that was used to described acoustic music that most anyone could play. It was during the time where a lot of kids started to go out to stores and buy guitars and start bands, in particular in Britain--The Beatles grew out of a former skiffle rock band.

It's hard for me to write simple music. No matter how hard I try, it just comes out weird. But with this record, I am trying to write the most elementary folk songs possible--trying only to use the basic open chords. Between tracking Brian's drums with The Kaleidoscope, Brighter EP we'll be putting out in the fall, studying for finals, studying for my internship, another Sheep Sleep Still record, I have been writing for Kindest Heart: I Knew You Once, I Loved You Once. Yes, it is not under the "Sheep Sleep Still" name...mainly because I thought Kindest Heart was a more fitting title for this project, and skiffle/folk songs.

Currently I am writing between 3 songs, and will be writing plenty more this summer wherever I will be. I am excited to show you something different. I hope you are excited to hear it.

disintegration music

artwork by Crystal Wood

disintegration music

this is my first collection of music that i am releasing that i wrote all by myself.

disintegration music is a compilation of songs that i wrote about one circumstance. all of these tracks have been an extremely cathartic process. when writing these, i never had any intention about putting them into an LP form, let alone sharing them with anyone but who they're about. so please keep in mind that this is a collection of songs put together--it should be approached as you would a "demo, b-sides, rarities, home recordings" type record. i attempted to order the tracks so they would make sense when listening to disintegration music front to back, but please keep in mind these songs and poems were not written to be one cohesive thing. the relation and cohesion that they share with each other is the circumstance that they all discuss.

Again, I recorded all of this myself with just a $250 interface and my macbook pro. So when it doesn't sound leagues close to flawless, and when it sounds messy and unprofessional and what have you--I already told you. I have had no professional training. I have learned what little I know by simply watching and working with Justin Price and Landon Tewers. So please hold comments about that because I already acknowledged the fact. Thanks.

Please know that you might actually hate this. You might hate my voice--I can't sing. You might hate my rap--I can't rap. You might hate my scream--I can't scream. I am already aware of all these so out of courtesy to myself and the fact that I am already aware of these things, you don't not need to point these things I already know out.

In all honestly though, I just encourage you to take about an hour out of your day (if you're interested), pop in a set of headphones, and give disintegration music just one listen through. Because what this record, if nothing else, is genuine, heartbreakingly honest, and a record of a circumstance that almost destroyed me, but did completely changing the direction of my life.

Without further ado, here is disintegration music

Click the proper format below to download Sheep Sleep Still: Disintegration Music

iTUNES ------------ non-iTUNES

bandcamp

about the music:

tracks 1, 3-9, 11-13 were recorded via Apogee ONE interface--"in the studio" style

tracks 10, 2 were improvisational songs--i had a heavy heart, picked up my guitar, pressed record, and that's what came out--recorded entirely live (with Apogee ONE interface).

Read more about the making of disintegration music....

disintegration music (extended blog)

This project started off as 5 songs (3 melodic, 2 spoken word) I was going to give to this girl in November '10...I think because I thought we would probably still be together then and I wanted to take my time for the project.

We stopped seeing each other (technically) mid to early September, so I didn't feel it was right to finish those songs. However, I kept writing them because of how much hurt I was in after the breakup. Three songs from the original 5 song EP did make it on disintegration music though as the original demo recordings I did for them, which are the 2 spoken words on the album, along with "I Still Love You (Long Conversation)", which at that time had a different title. The funny thing about that song is I wrote it while things were going "good" between her and I, but I still felt like a burden on her because of how much I liked her and how much she would some times like me and then reject me, often within the same day.

I wanted this record to be real, and feel real. I recorded this using the latest Logic Express program, that has some absolutely amazing tools on it--in particular to fix a crappy and off pitch voice. Which, more often than not, mine tends to be if I don't practice a song for a good two months or so before actually recording it. The only song I did use pitch correction/auto-tune was "It's Like You Forget It All", not because my voice sounded partically bad on that, but because that was the bad I was going for. A Kanye West 808s and Heartbreaks vibe.

When I was recording vocals for the debut The Kaleidoscope, Brighter EP, I told our producer, Justin Price, that I had written a fantastic acoustic song that past Monday (it was Sunday) and if we could record it. Hesitant, he said yes. So I laid down the acoustic guitar, and then went to lay down vocals. But I couldn't do it. I sounded horrible. I was totally unable to learn my own song in a weeks time. Ricky though, who has been singing since elementary school, learned the song right there on the spot and I swear sang it pitch perfect and to this day I love the way he sang it and that song is still one of my favorite songs I have written.

I say all that as a personal testament to tell you that I know I don't have a good voice. It takes me a while to learn songs to sing them to a listenable quality. Some of the last songs on the record, "Paul Newman Pt1" and "Robert Redford Pt2" I had a week to learn and sing. Vocally, I loathe how they turned out, but I needed to say some things that the first ten songs of the record didn't say. Those last three songs are sort of like an addition. Originally, it was just going to be those first ten songs on the record. But then things not exponentially worse between her and I, I felt like I would be lying if I put this out and it ended on a happy/hopeful note.

It was a very tedious process for me when it came to writing lyrics about an actual event. Generally, what I do when I write a song, is I write the music first, and then write lyrics based around how the music moves. Sometimes the songs end up being about someone, but it is never a conscious effort to do. Like on the TKB ep that I sang and wrote on, none of those songs were actually written about people or situations I knew of. However, when I finished writing them, I realized that 2/4 were actually about people and circumstances I knew of. But for this, I had to make a conscious effort to write about a specific person, and a specific situation. These are extremely straight forward lyrics...at least for myself, and the person I wrote them about. To everyone else they still may seem poetic and sort of open to interpretation--which they most definitely still are, but to me they are much more frank than anything I've written previously.

Ending this project was almost a hurtful process. Sending her a link to the first blog, and a link to download the record, I am absolutely positive she is not even going to listen to it, let alone actually take the time to read the lyrics, or these blogs or even download it. And that really, really hurts...to know that, that is how much someone does not give a damn about you. You spending hours upon hours making a record based off of the situation that you were both in, but they won't even bother to listen to it. I think that's part of the reason I decided to release it to everyone else, so I didn't feel like I just spent so much time for absolutely no good reason because no one will ever actually listen to it all the way through.

I didn't write and record this record so that it would be someone's favorite album and they would love it enough to put it on repeat. My hope is that people can over look all the flaws on it, and listen to it just once as a story. As something real, as something that I am finally starting to conquer and work through.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read these blogs and downloading the record, and hopefully listening to it and experiencing it. Your support means the world to me. Honestly.

“We are here to learn to endure the beams of love"

William Blake once wrote, “We are here to learn to endure the beams of love”. Over this past year, I think I am finally beginning to understand what that means.

It is truly an act of cruelty when someone attacks a friend where they are most vulnerable. It is truly a shame when someone has been so unloved in their life that when someone genuinely loves them, the only thing they know how to do is cut them down and push them away.

Being loved is about as hard as it is to actually love someone. True love is not contained to your favorite Paul Newman or Robert Redford films—true love can’t be contained at all. True love is giving, no matter what. A girl I once loved told me “I don’t understand why you love me, I don’t deserve it”—and she was right—she didn’t deserve it. But that’s the reality and the beauty of agape love: none of us deserve it.

Being undeserving of love, but still being loved, is one of the most fragile yet overwhelmingly powerful feelings that exist in this world. It is something that has the potential to break down walls and to change peoples lives forever—if they let it.

“We are here to learn to endure the beams of love”

I heard someone speaking a few weeks ago, and they were saying that some times people won’t accept love. That no matter how much you or I care about someone, they will reject, push away, and destroy something that shines light into their life. And that is the risk of loving someone with agape love—that in their reality, they don’t want, or otherwise need love.

C.S. Lewis once said "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable".

Being vulnerable is the reality of love. Being vulnerable is how we learn to endure the beams of love, and then eventually, how we learn to love.

A thought crushed my mind one morning, and it was that some people will refuse to be loved. Some people will never learn how to endure the beams of love, and they will lock their heart up until it truly becomes “unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable”.

The people that just wanted to love them become the broken and the forsaken, left with nothing because we gave everything to show them what it means to be loved. We must learn to endure though, we must learn to forgive the fact that, as Lydia says in their song “Now the One You Once Loved Is Leaving” that, “It’s not your fault that no one taught you how…now the one you once loved is leaving”. We can’t hold all the blame to people who, for whatever reason, were never taught how to accept love, and how to return love.

We love from a distance, we love until we forget names and places and dates, we love until we can forgive them, we love realizing that sometimes people will reject it and cut us down for it, we are vulnerable even though we know some people will exploit and belittle us. We survive off of the love our friends--because we’re all in this together.

We love because Love first loved us.

True Love Will Find You in the End (unedited BG News article)

This is the unedited version of my editorial that ran in the BG News today, parts were changed to be put in the newspaper because of the rights that Daniel Johnston's song has. This is what you should've had in your hands today.

People who think holiday’s like Valentines Day and Sweetest Day make people realize how much they wish they were romantically loved don’t know what they’re talking about. People who think holiday’s like Valentines Day makes people feel alone also don’t know what they’re talking about.

The people that feel alone don’t feel alone only when major holidays occur. People who have been hurting the same heart since they were ten don’t need one day a year to remind them how much it hurts to be love someone who decides that you’re not worth their love--need it be a father, mother, brother, sister, former or current romantic partners.

If you feel alone, unloved, neglected, abused—whether it be today, once a year, twice a month, seemingly every day of your life, print and cut out this poem by Daniel Johnston (although I prefer Matthew Good’s cover version better, and then I just recorded my own version of it) and put it somewhere you will constantly see it. I’ve read a lot of poetry and lyrics, and few comfort me like Johnston’s hope of “True love will find you in the end”.

I truly believe that true love will find you and me in the end, if we are truly and earnestly seek it and know how to love ourselves. Lord knows what’s worth having and hurting over in this world if not Love.

“True love will find you in the end

You'll find out just who was your friend

Don't be sad, I know you will,

But don’t give up until

True love will find you in the end

This is a promise with a catch

Only if you're looking can it find you

Cause true love is searching too

But how can it recognize you

Unless you step out into the light

Don't be sad I know you will

But don’t give up until

True love finds you in the end.”

- Daniel Johnston

failure to take my own advice

the start of my junior year I ended a relationship because I knew the girl I was dating was not satisfied with who I was, no matter what I did for her or how good I treated her, because she would always tell me what I was MISSING and what her ex-boyfriends had that I didn't have. The end result of that relationship was so hurtful to me, I told myself that I would not kiss another girl until I knew that she was the person I was going to marry.

My heart and head both agreed that they I did not and could not afford to go through that sort of heartbreak again, and so I would not get involved with someone (again) unless I knew that they were the person I was going to marry. I knew that by doing this, I would avoid so much pain and suffering.

Needless to say, I didn't follow my own advice. I got involved with someone and fell for them too hard too fast and am in a situation that has produced more hurt and tears from me than all of the hurt and tears I've had combined in my life until this point.

Why didn't I take my own advice? As I walked into my apartment after another night of joy, and pain, and longing I thought of what I had told myself and I remembered that this is exactly what I told myself that. Did I not listen to my own advice because I naively thought this would somehow be different? That somehow she would come 'round and see that I was good enough for her and that dating with the intention of marriage is not an awful or a naive thing to do at 22 years old? Did I not take my own advice because I knew that I loved her and I wanted to be there for her and make her feel special and desired and valued, no matter what the cost for myself? Did I think the cost to myself wouldn't be that much? Will anything I ever said or did for her really have an impact in the end? Will this cycle actually end when she leaves or will it just be on pause?

Will she remember that everything I did for her was to show her how valuable she is? Or will she sell herself short--causing everything I did for absolute naught? Will she remember that the only reason I CAN love like this is because of how much I know God loves me? Or will she push that whole idea to the wayside because it's part of something she's not even interested in?

Why was the girl that appreciated me the most in my life the girl who I was the absolute worst boyfriend to? Why did she stick with me for almost 3 years? What made me good enough then, and yet now the past two relationships I've been in are with people who don't even think I'm good enough for them, and I'm in for easily under a year. Will there only be that one girl who thought I was good enough, even as a shitty boyfriend, to be with? Why do I feel like a fix for those two girls, right until something better comes along and then I am forgotten about and dropped like I was never there and like they never felt anything about me.

I am so sick of feeling like a fix. I want to feel valued and loved and appreciated to my core just like how I appreciate this thing that I'm in, even despite all the hurt it has and will cause me (that I hope to finished with one day). I want that to happen SOON. Because I fear so much of falling back in this disgusting routine when she gets back in 6 months. My heart simply can not afford or take more of this hurt. I fear that if I stay in this, I will forget that I SHOULD value myself and that someone DID find me valuable enough to stay with for almost 3 years, and THAT was even when I was an absolutely horrible boyfriend.

I have so many questions and not enough answers and too much unrest and not even calm and too much hurt and not enough love and too much giving and not enough getting. I once was full but I feel I have drained myself empty and every time I look at her I hear her say "I will never date you. I just have a feeling...I would just never date you". No matter what happens...the first girl I ever feel in love with on the spot, the first girl that I would've given anything for, will NEVER date me...no matter what I do. Just writing this paragraph brought my eyes to tears and writing that quote made them stream out.

I hope one day I will be able to look back and reread all of these blogs and think how stupid I sounded because I either

a) gave up on love entirely

or

b) am finally in a healthy and unbelievably blessed and loving relationship

And I will be able to forgive her for all of this hurt and forgive myself for letting all of this hurt happen to myself. I doubt this will be anytime soon, but my God I hope it is sooner rather than later. I can't take so much hurt much longer dear God. I simply can not.

when your world is not stable/love is not convenient

the first semester of my senior year is over, and i am on track to graduate for spring 2011 and watch my world shift yet again.

i am 22 years old, and have gone through what feels to be 22 years of public education/schooling. Always trying to study, pass the tests, do good in the class...that stuff takes up a LOT of your time.

Between shifting schools (elementary, middle, high school, college), my friends have shifted too. At times I've been to blindsided to notice. I have shifted. In college, where I live changed almost every single year. It was not a stable time, there is no real chance to grow roots I feel like, in college, because once you are done you are expected to leave and move onto something else, and then something else. And it seems the only chance I will have to have something "stable" in my life will be when I either a) get a real job or b) get married...or a combination of both.

I don't really like that feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling and stuff, but I like knowing that I am coming back home. And to me, the past four years I haven't really been able to be "home". Even my parents house, which I suppose is still my house, isn't really "home" anymore, as it is where I go only on vacations and whatnots from school.

I miss the feeling I had from elementary to high school of really having a "home". I really and truly do, and I hope to find it again someday.

---------------------------

Last week i sat down the girl I'm in love with and I told her:

"Listen, I know that you never, ever, not in a million years ever planned for a boy to be in love with you like this when you are just a junior in college. I know that you never planned to have such complicated feelings towards me because of it. I know that you never planned to think about a family, or marriage, or maybe even a serious relationship until after grad school. But...here I am. [Name], love is not convenient. And I can honestly tell you I never, ever, imagined I would feel like this about anyone, especially someone who doesn't feel the same to me. But please don't pass up the opportunity for us to at least have a real relationship when you get back--simply because 'now is not the right time'. Sure, maybe you'll never love me, but I know that you've never even tried. And I know that my love for you is genuine and real and selfless and pure. I believe in us, and I have faith that this could be something absolutely amazing. And I KNOW that this love did not come at a convenient time, but I guess love is not the most convenient thing ever..."

I don't know if what I said got through to her on any level. I don't know if she will ever weigh the fact that she KNOWS with her whole right that I would never hurt her or leave her or forsake her and that I adore her on every single level possible, I don't know if she truly wondered if someone else will see her the same way I do.

I almost think that if she did, she would be on the same page as me--telling me that we should wait until she gets back to give this whole thing a fair go--even if she just really likes me right now and I love her.

This love, may very well be the only of its kind to ever step into her life, and I can say that in all honesty for many reasons. But if she denies what this could be because she is simply too scared of what she KNOWS it could be, and that the timing isn't the best, who am I to say otherwise?

I know that if she lets this go because of the inconvenience of the timing in her life, it will be the single greatest tragedy that has (and hopefully will ever) befall my life. Because I know that this could be a simply unbelievable relationship if she would just let go of the fact that this is not when she planned/wanted all of this to happen.

At this point, I honestly don't know the ending. I don't know what she'll choose. I just know that my heart is ready for that next step, and I love her, and I want that next step to be her.

But, I know that a month ago I almost moved on in my life, albeit, that was by simply forgetting that she exists. Again though, here we are. Falling right back into what she said she didn't want from the start. It's all so natural.

I just honestly know, in my heart, that she will end up regretting not giving this a chance because she didn't find this relationship to be convenient and on her time schedule as to where she wanted to be in life. I know that one day I'd be able to move on, and find someone who loves me and I will love them as much if not more than I love this girl right now. But I can't help but wonder if I too will always regret that she didn't give us a chance, and always wonder "what if" she did...

the downside and upside of being a practicing communication major

For those of you who don't know, my major is Communications. For those of you who don't know much about the Communication major, we are taught how to critically analyze rhetorical artifacts (which is basically anything that is trying to convey a message). We are taught to take a hard look at the every day discourse that takes place in our lives; from conversations, to television, to politics, to advertisements, all the way down to things like social interworks of the internet.

I know that some people read my blog posts and are just like "Why does Chad always gotta be bringing the heavy?", "Why does Chad have to be so critical of so much?"?

I know that I have lost some friendships because of this mentality of wanting...of needing to be in an almost constant state of critical rhetorical analyzation. These people that have not understood why I feel the need to do this so often absolutely refuse to take a critical look at their surroundings, and are much happier going about their daily lives, not even beginning to understand the discourse that they surround themselves with. To people like that, it's being "negative" when I would examine the rhetoric of something or someone, to try and find what is really going on--as opposed to be being settled with the low involvement of a message and take it for "what it is".

I know that IPC (Interpersonal Communication) as my major used to be called is jokingly called "I Passed College" by some people outside of the Communication department. But to be sure, being a Communication major has taught me how to be a critical thinker far better than some other people I know and used to know who are far too content to be in Lala Land to take a step back and actually analyze the discourse of everything they're being fed, and everything they fill their life up with.

I would MUCH rather be trying to figure out the the underlying discourse for someone or something in my life, than just skip along through everything without even beginning to understand yourself or your surrounds as you should. I am not satisfied, like other people may be, to see the surface of something and be like "Oh, okay well that's obviously how it actually is"--because as I've learned in my classes, very rarely is something actually what it appears to be, and so I want to know the "Why" and the functions of this rhetorical object and just in general what is behind the surface.

I think it's disgusting that some people are naive enough to think that what is on the surface is all there is to something, including themselves. That people are too satisfied and unwilling to critically examine themselves to HONESTLY figure out "why" or "how" or ANYTHING.

So you will have to excuse me while I open up my mind and attempt to understand and figure out the world around me and what really pulls the strings while some other people are too busy just enjoying the puppet show and too naive to see the strings.

Celebrities Stop Updating Fans on Their Lives to Raise Money for HIV/AID's: The Commentary by Chet Early

Let me start this blog out by saying, I think people should, VERY much help out for causes they feel strongly for. I also think it is important to educate people of these different causes to raise awareness, money, and hopefully to stop whatever the cause is advocating change for. So PLEASE do VERY MUCH donate money to help fight AID's, child soldiers, clean water, etcetc!

I did not come here to critique "Buy Life" because of what it stands for in their cause.

I think a much stronger and more urgent critique can be found in how "Buy Life" functions, and what it means that such a campaign even exists. It has been said, that America is absolutely obsessed with the lives of celebrities. For one reason or another, people are drawn to finding out about their lives like mouthes to flames.

Just how bad is this obsession that we feel we need to know every second of the goings ons of our favorite celebrity? Well, according to "Buy Life", our obsession with these "digitally dead" celebrities is bad enough for people to donate $1,000,000 (A MILLION DOLLARS) just so they can continue on with reading their favorite famous persons Twitter post.

...So let me get this straight, these celebrities are taking away peoples opportunity to keep in digital touch with their lives, and think that people need these updates SO BADLY that they as a collective fan base, will donate ONE MILLION DOLLARS to get it back?

Yup.

From a personal stand point, I find it insulting as a human being, and completely pathetic that these famous people think that people need to hear what is going on in their (the famous peoples lives), that they will donate money to a cause that--REALLY--is not even CLOSE to being the central focus of this charity.

"AID's? Yeah I heard it's bad, but I miss Lady Gaga's tweets, so I'll donate ten bucks--OMG I just have to know what she's been up to!"

Maybe the most interesting part of all of this, is that these celebrities believe that people are soo fixated on their lives, that the motivation to donate money to hear about their lives again, will be enough to raise one million dollars for HIV/AID's. So, I suppose the question is begged then, ARE people that obsessed over these peoples lives that they will feel so compelled to donate to HIV/AID's--but MOST importantly--so that they can see their favorite famous person Tweet and/or update their Facebook again.

While the intentions appear to be good, raising money for Keep a Child Alive (that's the foundation supporting this), what has become of people that they need to hear a scripted and half-assed speech from a celebrity speaking from a webcam, saying that they are going to withhold their "digital life" from you until a million dollars is donated to bring them "back to life" (oh, and ps AID's is a awful and terrible thing too)?

Are people that completely fixated on these people that they are going to donate one million dollars so they can hear back from them again? And if they are, what does that say about our culture? Why can't people use their own minds and see that they already SHOULD be donating to charity's--WITHOUT these "prizes" and half-assed incentives that can't even begin to do the urgency of the cause justice?

I feel like the proper reaction to the "Digital Death" campaign should be the following: "Of COURSE I will donate some money to HIV/AID's instead of eating out tonight, instead of going to a movie tonight, instead of going to the bars tonight, but I REFUSE to do it through this campaign. I could careless about the goings on in these celebrities lives and I find it insulting that they think myself and the world I live in is so obsessed with them that I would actually give that egotistical insensitive the time of day."

I am sure that people think that by using celebrities, their cause will gain more credibility. Whenever I see a cause using a famous person though, I almost automatically lose interest in the cause because suddenly the cause is less about what they are trying to help, and more about the person trying to help it. When people like Brad Pitt go to Africa to help with what-have-you, People Magazine is not covering the good works they did, they are covering: "did they enjoyed their time there? did they sleep with anyone there? was Angelina with him?"

I believe that campaigns such as those and "Digital Death" are starting at the wrong point. I don't believe people will ever truly care about any of these causes if the only reason they are interested in it is because their famous person tells them they should donate money.

We need to somehow find a way to chip at America's growing apathy for problems that are not their own/problems they are disconnected with--and truly reignite a sense of compassion. And compassion is started within someone's soul by being truly moved by an almost religious experience--NOT being moved because Justin Timberlake wants you to donate money based off the scripted and half-assed speech he gave into a web cam.

If you want people to care, you need to spark compassion in them, not fuel the celebrity obsessed culture we have.

love is watching someone die

in summer of 2008, my grandmother, who i always called "Mimi" passed away within 12 days after going in for an appointment because she was feeling under the weather, only to find out that she had an extremely aggressive form of cancer that stole her away from us in a matter of less than two weeks.

death was not kind to her. i remember seeing her in the hospital with all of those tubes and wires on her and she was more than capable of talking and had her normal "don't you dare pity me" look on and was just as funny and feisty as ever.

the next time i recall seeing Mimi was in hospice, where she could barely move, barely talk, to anyone. she struggled to get the words "i love you" out to my sister and i when we left for what i didn't realize would be the last time i would ever hear those words escape her lips, and the last time i would see her when she still had life in her eyes before the funeral home.

i thought she was going to get better, almost for the shear fact that everything happened so fast that i didn't think it would be possible for her to go away so quickly. of course i was absolutely wrong and she was gone before i knew what was happening. she passed away when i was at the girl i was dating at the times house for the weekend. my mom called me and let me know the news and i shed a few tears, but other than that i thought i was doing just fine with the loss.

i got home whenever i did and went with my mom to my grandfather (Papa's) house the next day to see him. i was sort of nervous because i didn't know if he was going to be super sad and then i wasn't going to be. but my mom and i got there and the second he opened the door instead of my little grandmother, I burst into a fit of tears like a dam that just exploded and all the water was rushing out in a fury of sadness.

i had no idea that i would react this way until i saw my Papa, and until i did NOT see my Mimi. even writing this now i have watery eyes in the middle of the student union seeing her so much.

this was the first death in the family of someone i had pretty regular contact with, and the first time i could see the whole effects of death at takes taking the air out of the very room we were sitting in. it seemed that no one had time to process this event--it all just happened so damn fast.

almost three years have gone by now since she passed away, and while my family seems to have recovered, my Papa has never been the same. he never stays late after family dinners anymore, he doesn't joke nearly as much, i always got this vibe of sadness when i am around him. sadness that can not be filled by anyone other than the women he loved so so so much.

to me, that is amazing. to see that my Papa loved Mimi so much that literally when she died, a part of Papa died to. what an amazing kind of love. i wish i knew off hand how long they were together, but i know it was a really, really long time. they never divorced, no one ever left. they were together. are together. until death did them part.

and I think that is one of the most beautiful things i have ever been able to witness in my life. death cab for cutie has a lyric from a song called "what sarah said" and it simply says: "love is watching someone die, so who's gonna watch you die"? And that is exactly what my Papa did. he was right there for Mimi. right there next to her, loving her, sleeping in the hospice room in a chair next to her bed--refusing to leave her alone. he loved her more than i have ever seen anyone love prior to that.

Mimi's death completely changed Papa. a part of him is now gone with her, never to come back until he joins her in heaven--whenever that may be.

the power of their love astounds me. it terrifies me, it gives me hope. that is what i am striving for in my life, whenever i finally marry. to have a love so real and so selfless that when my wife passes, or i pass before my wife, that a part of myself is gone along with her--because that is how much of my heart she has.

my Papa and Mimi are an absolutely amazing example of that kind of agape love. my heart breaks for him every time i see him, but it also swells with joy to know how in love they must've been--to see that they really did "become one".

my hope is that i will be so changed when that point in my life comes...to know that i really did live to love another person with everything God gave me to love them with. i am sure that he is going through absolutely immeasurable hurt, but i am also sure that the joy and love he felt for and with Mimi was and is as equally as immeasurable.

"there is no safe investment. to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will most certainly be wronged, and possibly broken. you want to make sure keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one--not even to an animal. warp it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in a casket or a coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket; safe, dark, motionless, airless--it'll change. it will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable. " --the frozen ocean

Best Records of 2010

Best Records of 2010

(in no particular order)

About: In this blog, I have complied a list of my favorite records that have been released in 2010. Each title is followed by a review/quick thoughts on the record of sorts. Each band and album name have been linked to a song download, which is my favorite song off of the record. Not the whole record, just one song that I think speaks for the record the best. It's my hope that some of you check out an artist that you've never heard of and support some of this amazing music that has come to be in 2010--AND ASK FOR SOME FOR CHRISTMAS :-D

(note: the links had to be taken down because someone reported that i was 'breaking the law' with my downloads. this blog has now been taken down twice because someone said yet AGAIN that i have downloading links. USE YOUR EYES. THE DOWNLOADING LINKS ARE GONE STILL TAKING MY BLOG OFFLINE.)

Jonsi: Go

Genre: Baroque Pop/Ambient/Post-Rock

This is a late edition to this blog, but if I JUST found out about this record/artist a week ago. And if I had to pick a top 2010 record, this would have been it. I can not say enough about the beauty and just general greatness of Jonsi's "Go". If I would've known about it two weeks ago, it EASILY would've been my favorite album of 2010. Easily.

Circa Survive: Blue Sky Noise

Genre: Rock/Progressive/Ambient

When I hear that one of my favorite bands is getting sign to a major label, I always hold my breath in hopes that they don't totally destroy them (see: Anberlin, The Juliana Theory, Saosin, and The Ataris major label debut. With a sigh of relief, I can tell you that this is still the Circa Survive we have all grown to love. Anthony Green's voice sounds as strong and unique as ever, and with a major label comes some GREAT mixing of it. I feel like Green has always sounded pretty amazing, but there is a clarity to the mix of this record that their prior releases did not even come close to. This is might a perfect record though, mind you. Upon first listen I felt that the complex guitar parts that created such a different feel in their first two records aren't really hear with this one. As I started to read interviews about Blue Sky Noise, I found that what I thought was exactly true. Both guitarists went out of their way to make simpler parts to fit the new audience that they would be coming in contact to with their new found major label exposure. Regardless though, the guitars sound sound as good as ever, in particular on "Get Out", "Frozen Creek", and "The Longest Mile". Overall though, Blue Sky Noise is sure to please old Circa fans, as well as usher in a brand new line to be sucked in by Green's voice, and Crica's still uncommon (yet slightly watered down) musical structures.

S. Carey: All We Grow

Genre: Ambient/Chamber Pop/Indie Folk

Sean Carey is and was part of Justin Vernon's band Bon Iver. Enough said? Enough said. S. Carey's debut solo record All We Grow is easily in my top three favorite records of the year. I currently have a little over twenty-two days of music on my iTUNES. I listen to a lot of music. And this is (also) one of the most beautiful records I have ever had the pleasure of hearing. Ever. I feel like I could write a ten page essay review on this record, and that one paragraph is not nearly going to do All We Grow justice. But I'm going to have to try. This record is gentle. This is a record that is in love with itself, not in a conceded way, it just is. This record is in love. From the absolutely phenomenal instrumentation, to S. Carey's voice that practically is singing in the tone of a lullaby, it is just beautiful. I would go as far to say that I like this record far more than I have liked either of the Bon Iver releases. That--is how much I dig this album. The mix is crystal clear, and yet is extremely textured, in particularly with the multiple vocal parts that tend to go on at any given time during a song. I am going to stop here, but it is safe to say that you should stop by iTUNES and pick up this album, put on a pair of headphones, wait for a rainy day, and fall in love with life and music all over again.

Isles and Glaciers: The Hearts of Lonely People

Genre: Post-Hardcore/Post-Rock

Normally, I'm not a fan of super groups. At all. But this year there were two bands that are super groups that put out absolutely amazing records. The first, being Gayngs, and the second being Isles and Glaciers. And you can tell that IAG packs quite a punch, with some amazing post-hardcore/whatever-core musicians contributing to it. Namely: Craig Owens, Jonny Craig, and Vic Fuentes. 3 super unique voices singing on the same tracks = huge win. A lot of programming = huge win. This record is GREAT to listen to in the headphones, especially for this sort of record. There is a lot going on at one time, a large part of which is the amazing programming parts on the album. Although, I don't listen to a lot of Vic's actual band stuff, I do listen to basically anything Owens and Craig is on, and I have to say that this is easily the best vocal performance I've ever heard from both of them. The lyrics reach near perfection too...again, probably has to do with 3 amazing song writers writing on the same songs. Not too mention, this record was about a year on the self before it was released, which I'm sure made a lot of time for perfection to occur on it. All I can really say about this record is if you are a fan of any of the 3 voices, or just generally super, SUPER good, catchy, and slightly emotional post-hardcore, you will not be disappointed in the least by Isles and Glaciers debut record.

Stars: The Five Ghosts

Genre: Indie Pop/Rock

First, let it be known that Stars is a way underrated band. Let it be known that Stars are really, really good. On their latest record, they only get better. Compared to their last album, that I was a huge fan of, this one dabbles a bit more in the electronic side on some songs. Which takes a little getting used to, especially if you usually don't like that kind of music, but once I got over that fact, The Five Ghosts is a super solid indie pop record. Both of their voices sound just as good as their prior releases, with the male singer doing his "sing/whisper" thing and the girl with her...er, girly? Voice? Which is not a bad thing by ANY means, just pointing out that they chose to almost play it safe in that they switched up some of their music, but kept their vocal style pretty similar to their other stuff. Some of the record is really good for a cold winter day, while other parts are really good for a beautiful summer day. They use really great synth textures on some of their songs, which further drives home wether a song is for a winter or summer day.

The Graduate: Only Every Time

Genre: Indie Rock/Ambient

It took The Graduate almost over three years to come out with this record. After the label they were on kicked the can, they seemed to be totally in limbo, and all of their fans waited with held breath to see if they were going to stick it out or call it quits. Sure as your born, they stuck it out...and I am SO glad they did. This band truly has a unique sound, to the point where I can't really compare them accurately to any other band I know of. Their singer, Corey, has an amazing voice, and their guitar parts and tones and consistently candy to my ears. Their delay/ambient filled up-tempo rock songs are just so good. That's really all I can rightly say about them, because I am trying super hard to not underplay exactly how good these guys actually are...THAT'S how good they are. This is one of the few records I stayed up until midnight to grab off of iTUNES. I was too impatient to pre-order a copy and wait for it in the mail, or have it shipped to the local record store. I needed it in my hands the fastest way I knew how. The lyrics seem to revolve around Corey's relationship with his wife, which he had to constantly leave during the extremely long and strenuous writing process for this record--which, to me, is super awesome. This lyrics seem THAT much more genuine because of that...that this dude REALLY loves his lady is super awesome. As I already said, the guitar parts, along with the drum and keyboard (the bass seems to be sort of buried in the mix) are simply spot on and always super, SUPER tasteful. I could listen to their guitar tones and their guitar parts for seriously hours on end. Overall, if you like super refreshing, very listener-friendly rock and roll (yet very unique), this record is for you.

Jimmy Eat World: Invented

Genre: Alt Rock/Early Emo

Let me start off by being honest with you: I wasn't a huge advocate of JEW's last record Chase This Light. I thought it was good...but not amazing. I still can't put my finger on it, but there was something that simply didn't do it for me. Invented though, is a whole 'nother story. Invented is super great. There's not enough I can say about this record, other than saying it's simply a great, GREAT rock/early emo record. Jim's voice sounds as great as ever, and I would venture at say it's improved? Or maybe if it's not improved, there's a few songs where I feel like he switches up his singing style from previous releases- which to me, is refreshing (see: "Heart is Hard to Find", "Higher Devotion"). Although I have to say, I'm not at all a fan of the song "High Devotion", for some reason it just annoys me. I AM however, a huge fan of the production on this record. It just has this super bright/sunny sound to it. Also, I like that they continue to feature a girls voice on the record at times. It gives a really good contrast to Jim's voice.

Oceana: Clean Head [EP]

Genre: Post-Rock/Indie

Before the release of this EP, I had heard of this band in a few music circles I travel in, and I wrote them off as an "Rise Records" generic hardcore band. A week in October my friend was telling me that I should go to one of their shows, and I told him I don't think I would like them very much. Man, was I wrong. He explained to me how they totally changed their sound--and he was totally right. What started off as a hardcore band, now had totally transformed into a really sweet post-rock indie band (As Cities Burn anyone?). This EP is really, really, really good. I hold a huge soft spot in my heart for the singers voice, as it reminds me of my favorite singer Matthew Good, combined with the lead singer of As Cities Burn. The guitar and drum tones are really, really slick to. Not to mention, their drummer is super, super spot on--and even better live, if you can believe that. I hold two reservations about this record though: first, while the first track on the EP is pretty good, the rest of it blows that song out of the water. Secondly, the three songs after the first one sound like they are all 3 different parts of the same song. I almost finish they would've made them into one epic song...because they sound pretty similar, especially in the guitar progressions. Thankfully for them though, it's a really, really refreshing sounding progression so it works more or less 3 times over. If you were at all a fan of As Cities Burn's last record, you have no option but to pick this up and love it. Because it is awesome and practically like the step-child of that record.

Lazerbeak: Legend Recognize Legend

Genre: Indie/Alt/Hip-Hop

This is easily one of the freshest records of the year for me. When I was trying to figure out what to put as "genre", I honestly had no clue what I should write. Because honestly, Lazerbeak is all over the place. There's not really any rapping persae, but there are a lot of...hiphop beats? For those who don't know (or care to know?), Lazerbeak is part of the Doomtree collective, a rap group out of The Twin Cities. Usually he can be found making beats for people like Sims, Dessa, P.O.S., and all the like--I read somewhere that he has produced and recorded over 400 unique/different songs/beats? Wow. The guy is clearly a creative freight train. Anywho, this record is just that: super creative. His beats and lyrics are extremely different to the point of I can't really compare it to anything...it's all just super fresh sounding to me. The only reservation I have about Lazerbeak is his voice reminds me of the guy from Smash Mouth. If I don't think about that though, this is a really colorful and refreshing record for those who have an open mind to new sounds.

The Album Leaf: A Chorus of Storytellers

Genre: Instrumental/Ambient/Indie

I would like start this review by thanking my friend Eric MacDonald for introducing me to this band. I seriously do not know what I would listen to some times if I did not have this band to serenade my ear drums with their fantastic instrumental songs. The only gripe I have about this record, is that there is still a little singing in it. And whoever sings, is just absolutely terrible. He does not have a good voice-at all, and it just serves to detract from whatever is going on in the song. Therefore, what I have done is deleted every song that he sings on from my iTUNES library, so I don't have to bother skipping them anymore. Other than that, this is the best instrumental record I have ever heard (which I suppose isn't that many?). It creates a very, very emotional vibe with these "I'm going to cry if I hear those chords played again" chords. But I think that's amazing. For me, there are few greater feelings than that of being truly moved by music. From start to finish, aside from the songs where the dude sings on, I feel moved. I feel inspired and have this like feeling of "Everything is going to be okay" or "It's okay to fall in love, it's a beautiful thing". I know that sounds uber cheesy, but that's simply the best way I can describe this record (which might mean I'm just not very good at describing things)?

The Chariot: Long Live

Genre: Mathcore/Metalcore

The Chariot eats your favorite metal band during tea time, and then ravages any idea you had of what this latest record was going to be for dinner. This is easily one of the most furious metal records I have ever heard...that I'm pretty sure has ever come into being of recent? Long Live makes bands like Underoath, The Devil Wears Prada, even some of Norma Jean, look like they are toothless little puppy dogs. Lead singer Josh Scogin's screams are simply unbelievable, and are getting better, to the point of now you don't always have to look at his lyrics to understand what he's say. The album rips into you with "Evan Perks", and doesn't let you go until the ending chaos of "The King". This band, and this record, are very much that of the acquired taste. Because...it's all just so chaotic. Next to no structure can be found in the music, lyrics, anything. It's sort of like "Melody? What the hell is a melody?". The song "The City" though, does feature a super cool melodic moment, which gives me goosebumps very time I hear it. I think the most fantastic thing about this band and Long Live is that for as chaotic as this record sounds, the band is very much on the same page--all the music sounds very cohesively chaotic. Which is super impressive for the several different parts that are found in each song.

Kanye West: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Genre: Hip-Hop

Say what you want about Kanye West's personality, but West has officially transcended main stream hip-hop as the world knows it. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is an absolutely phenomenal record as far as main stream hip-hop is concerned. Musically, West both produces and uses some of absolute best and freshest beats I have ever heard, which totally serves to set himself apart from other main stream hip-hop artists who think they're "the best". I don't even know how someone can begin to form that thought process after this record. I honestly don't. Lyrically, West is once again on his "A" game. Although I think one of the biggest downfalls of this record is the people he features. In particular, Pusha T. on "Runaway". I think "Runaway" is an amazing song, right up until Pusha drops a verse that almost sounds like he has absolutely nooo idea the message Kanye is trying to convey with the song--it's like he raps the TOTAL opposite of what Kanye is saying. Unlike a lot of people, I thought 808's and Heartbreak's an almost perfect album, and so I think this is a phenomenal progression. At times, I feel like Kanye is struggling with being honest about how he feels, but then realizes that he has to keep up his "street cred" so he reverts from time-to-time sounding like just another hip-hop artist (but that's like...less than 5% of the record). Honestly though, I can not give enough praise for how good this record is. If you like hip-hop, and can put the fact that Kanye--like MANY other famous people (as we seem to forget)--has a big ego, you NEED to get this record. Oh, and I think it is AWESOME that Bon Iver is featured on not one, but TWO songs "Monster" and "Lost in the World". Sooo happy for that dude, and mad props for Kanye to finding out about him too. Soooooo awesome. On a last note, I think any time Jay-Z is featured on a Kanye song, he TOTALLY also detracts from it--I think West is a faaar better rapper than Jay, and Jay's style just does NOT fit on these amazing songs.

Spring Offensive: The First of Many Dreams About Monsters [EP]

Genre: Indie/Rock/Alt

One 13 minute song can be considered an EP, right? Regardless, I found this band on an AbsolutePunk.Net Free Music Friday, where they had this song/EP listed as a free download, and it's just awesome. Spring Offensive find themselves very much in the vein of late Anathallo, with a bit more fire and passion. Oh, and you can understand the singers voice a lot better than Anathallo, which is a huge plus. This is a 3 (or 4 or 5?) part song, sown together by little sound clips in between which part. I love the lyrics a lot, because they are super poetic and just are overall really well written. I think my favorites parts of this song/EP are the first and last sections. Some very, very original stuff to come out of the UK. I can't wait to see and hear what these dudes do next.

Underoath: ø (Disambiuation)

Genre: Metalcore/Ambient

First thing first--Underoath is rarely ever the same band twice. Each of their records are a complete evolution and departure from the prior one (Brand New, 1997, among others, are bands that do that as well). If you would would put ø next to Lost in the Sound of Separation, there are times when you can't even tell it's the same band. And to address the elephant in the room: yes Aaron is gone, and he will be missed, but he is NOT missing from their new record. Between Spencer's surprisingly good singing, and Daniel Davison's in the pocket drumming, the singing and drumming of Aaron is but a fond yet distant memory. This is definitely the darkest record they have done, both lyrically and musically. Musically they seem to have started to implore more and more auxiliary percussion, which is super cool. The only reservation I have about this record, as I have had since Spencer started picking up the pen on Define the Great Line, is that it just seems (at points) lyrically weak, and recycled phrases from within this record and drawing from past albums too. I find that Spencer's strongest lyrics can be found in the slower songs on the record "Paper Lungs", and "Driftwood". Davison's drumming is spot on, as different as it is from Aaron's, it is much less complex, but it feels much more "in the pocket", and tries to flow with the song as opposed to being a highlight of it. This is turn draws much more attention to the guitar parts, but mainly to Spencer's vocals. ø succedes in evolving Underoath, and further setting them apart from their "peers". On another note, I think this record display's Chris (keyboardist) at his very best with his keyboard and programming parts.

Gayngs: Relayted

Genre: Indie Soft Rock

As much as I bash the 1980's for all the awful trends and music it produced, I can never help but be attracted to contemporary music that is reminiscent of the 80's, such as M83's record "Saturdays = Youth", and Gayngs debut record titled "Relayted". A 23 person indie music super group consisting of people such as Justin Vernon (Bon Iver), P.O.S., Michael Lewis (Andrew Bird), Dessa (Doomtree), along with 19 others I'm not hipster enough to know of. To put this record simply: it is a true tour de force of what music can be. I can not say enough how much I dig all the different people singing on this album. I think that is one major factor that keeps the whole listening experience totally fresh song after song after song, not to mention the really slick transitions the songs make from track to track. While I would consider this not a necessary "fat" mix, I feel the mix of the record lends itself to make it feel like it has a lot of depth, and the crazy amount of layering of voices is a great addition to this. Another aspect I totally love about this record is the undeniable texture it has to it. To me, it sounds much more like this was record on tape, as opposed to digital- which (I think) is absolutely great. While this is a polished record, there is just this...aesthetic to it that continues through out the entire listen. I think this can be found the most from the totally 80's guitar and drum tones that they use, along with the keyboard sounds. "Relayted" is everything that is good from the 80's put into one album, and is honestly one of the most original records I have heard in a very long time.

Lydia: Assailants

Genre: Indie/Ambient/Rock

Every year I feel like I come to write a review of a record, and utterly fail in even trying to be unbiased towards the release...because the band can simply do no wrong by me. Last year it was with Brand New's Daisy, and this year it is Lydia's latest and last record Assailants. After Mindy White quit the band, I was pretty bummed, because I loved the contrast between her and Leighton's voice. However, apparently Leighton can sing super high, because Mindy is hardly missed on this record. Lyrically those album very much sounds like a swan song...a lot of lines alluding to the end of the band, which was shortly announced before the release of this album. So that sort of makes sense. Mat Malpass's production is spot on with the bands sound, I can't tell you how happy I was they chose to work with him again (he recorded Illuminate too). Lyrically I feel like this is a bit weaker than their prior works, maybe that's because of such a strong lyrical feel trying to make a point to the listen of "Hey this is our last record, thanks so much for listen to us" sort of feel. Other than that, the ambient guitars, and Leighton's indescribable voice tie this record together to make it yet again another memorable Lydia experience.

PS yes i know this is a lot music that i think is "the best of 2010" but i totally stand by all of it. there was no possible way i could've narrowed that down to ten records. sooo much amazing music came out this year--NOT TO MENTION, i have actually BOUGHT 13/14 of these records. so thanks to The Gap for a nice job to give me the funds to actually support my favorite artists :-D and to be honest, it'll be years digging into some of these albums and to soak in the entire art. because that's how i love music to be. soo much to take away from it all.