when your world is not stable/love is not convenient

the first semester of my senior year is over, and i am on track to graduate for spring 2011 and watch my world shift yet again.

i am 22 years old, and have gone through what feels to be 22 years of public education/schooling. Always trying to study, pass the tests, do good in the class...that stuff takes up a LOT of your time.

Between shifting schools (elementary, middle, high school, college), my friends have shifted too. At times I've been to blindsided to notice. I have shifted. In college, where I live changed almost every single year. It was not a stable time, there is no real chance to grow roots I feel like, in college, because once you are done you are expected to leave and move onto something else, and then something else. And it seems the only chance I will have to have something "stable" in my life will be when I either a) get a real job or b) get married...or a combination of both.

I don't really like that feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling and stuff, but I like knowing that I am coming back home. And to me, the past four years I haven't really been able to be "home". Even my parents house, which I suppose is still my house, isn't really "home" anymore, as it is where I go only on vacations and whatnots from school.

I miss the feeling I had from elementary to high school of really having a "home". I really and truly do, and I hope to find it again someday.

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Last week i sat down the girl I'm in love with and I told her:

"Listen, I know that you never, ever, not in a million years ever planned for a boy to be in love with you like this when you are just a junior in college. I know that you never planned to have such complicated feelings towards me because of it. I know that you never planned to think about a family, or marriage, or maybe even a serious relationship until after grad school. But...here I am. [Name], love is not convenient. And I can honestly tell you I never, ever, imagined I would feel like this about anyone, especially someone who doesn't feel the same to me. But please don't pass up the opportunity for us to at least have a real relationship when you get back--simply because 'now is not the right time'. Sure, maybe you'll never love me, but I know that you've never even tried. And I know that my love for you is genuine and real and selfless and pure. I believe in us, and I have faith that this could be something absolutely amazing. And I KNOW that this love did not come at a convenient time, but I guess love is not the most convenient thing ever..."

I don't know if what I said got through to her on any level. I don't know if she will ever weigh the fact that she KNOWS with her whole right that I would never hurt her or leave her or forsake her and that I adore her on every single level possible, I don't know if she truly wondered if someone else will see her the same way I do.

I almost think that if she did, she would be on the same page as me--telling me that we should wait until she gets back to give this whole thing a fair go--even if she just really likes me right now and I love her.

This love, may very well be the only of its kind to ever step into her life, and I can say that in all honesty for many reasons. But if she denies what this could be because she is simply too scared of what she KNOWS it could be, and that the timing isn't the best, who am I to say otherwise?

I know that if she lets this go because of the inconvenience of the timing in her life, it will be the single greatest tragedy that has (and hopefully will ever) befall my life. Because I know that this could be a simply unbelievable relationship if she would just let go of the fact that this is not when she planned/wanted all of this to happen.

At this point, I honestly don't know the ending. I don't know what she'll choose. I just know that my heart is ready for that next step, and I love her, and I want that next step to be her.

But, I know that a month ago I almost moved on in my life, albeit, that was by simply forgetting that she exists. Again though, here we are. Falling right back into what she said she didn't want from the start. It's all so natural.

I just honestly know, in my heart, that she will end up regretting not giving this a chance because she didn't find this relationship to be convenient and on her time schedule as to where she wanted to be in life. I know that one day I'd be able to move on, and find someone who loves me and I will love them as much if not more than I love this girl right now. But I can't help but wonder if I too will always regret that she didn't give us a chance, and always wonder "what if" she did...

the downside and upside of being a practicing communication major

For those of you who don't know, my major is Communications. For those of you who don't know much about the Communication major, we are taught how to critically analyze rhetorical artifacts (which is basically anything that is trying to convey a message). We are taught to take a hard look at the every day discourse that takes place in our lives; from conversations, to television, to politics, to advertisements, all the way down to things like social interworks of the internet.

I know that some people read my blog posts and are just like "Why does Chad always gotta be bringing the heavy?", "Why does Chad have to be so critical of so much?"?

I know that I have lost some friendships because of this mentality of wanting...of needing to be in an almost constant state of critical rhetorical analyzation. These people that have not understood why I feel the need to do this so often absolutely refuse to take a critical look at their surroundings, and are much happier going about their daily lives, not even beginning to understand the discourse that they surround themselves with. To people like that, it's being "negative" when I would examine the rhetoric of something or someone, to try and find what is really going on--as opposed to be being settled with the low involvement of a message and take it for "what it is".

I know that IPC (Interpersonal Communication) as my major used to be called is jokingly called "I Passed College" by some people outside of the Communication department. But to be sure, being a Communication major has taught me how to be a critical thinker far better than some other people I know and used to know who are far too content to be in Lala Land to take a step back and actually analyze the discourse of everything they're being fed, and everything they fill their life up with.

I would MUCH rather be trying to figure out the the underlying discourse for someone or something in my life, than just skip along through everything without even beginning to understand yourself or your surrounds as you should. I am not satisfied, like other people may be, to see the surface of something and be like "Oh, okay well that's obviously how it actually is"--because as I've learned in my classes, very rarely is something actually what it appears to be, and so I want to know the "Why" and the functions of this rhetorical object and just in general what is behind the surface.

I think it's disgusting that some people are naive enough to think that what is on the surface is all there is to something, including themselves. That people are too satisfied and unwilling to critically examine themselves to HONESTLY figure out "why" or "how" or ANYTHING.

So you will have to excuse me while I open up my mind and attempt to understand and figure out the world around me and what really pulls the strings while some other people are too busy just enjoying the puppet show and too naive to see the strings.

Celebrities Stop Updating Fans on Their Lives to Raise Money for HIV/AID's: The Commentary by Chet Early

Let me start this blog out by saying, I think people should, VERY much help out for causes they feel strongly for. I also think it is important to educate people of these different causes to raise awareness, money, and hopefully to stop whatever the cause is advocating change for. So PLEASE do VERY MUCH donate money to help fight AID's, child soldiers, clean water, etcetc!

I did not come here to critique "Buy Life" because of what it stands for in their cause.

I think a much stronger and more urgent critique can be found in how "Buy Life" functions, and what it means that such a campaign even exists. It has been said, that America is absolutely obsessed with the lives of celebrities. For one reason or another, people are drawn to finding out about their lives like mouthes to flames.

Just how bad is this obsession that we feel we need to know every second of the goings ons of our favorite celebrity? Well, according to "Buy Life", our obsession with these "digitally dead" celebrities is bad enough for people to donate $1,000,000 (A MILLION DOLLARS) just so they can continue on with reading their favorite famous persons Twitter post.

...So let me get this straight, these celebrities are taking away peoples opportunity to keep in digital touch with their lives, and think that people need these updates SO BADLY that they as a collective fan base, will donate ONE MILLION DOLLARS to get it back?

Yup.

From a personal stand point, I find it insulting as a human being, and completely pathetic that these famous people think that people need to hear what is going on in their (the famous peoples lives), that they will donate money to a cause that--REALLY--is not even CLOSE to being the central focus of this charity.

"AID's? Yeah I heard it's bad, but I miss Lady Gaga's tweets, so I'll donate ten bucks--OMG I just have to know what she's been up to!"

Maybe the most interesting part of all of this, is that these celebrities believe that people are soo fixated on their lives, that the motivation to donate money to hear about their lives again, will be enough to raise one million dollars for HIV/AID's. So, I suppose the question is begged then, ARE people that obsessed over these peoples lives that they will feel so compelled to donate to HIV/AID's--but MOST importantly--so that they can see their favorite famous person Tweet and/or update their Facebook again.

While the intentions appear to be good, raising money for Keep a Child Alive (that's the foundation supporting this), what has become of people that they need to hear a scripted and half-assed speech from a celebrity speaking from a webcam, saying that they are going to withhold their "digital life" from you until a million dollars is donated to bring them "back to life" (oh, and ps AID's is a awful and terrible thing too)?

Are people that completely fixated on these people that they are going to donate one million dollars so they can hear back from them again? And if they are, what does that say about our culture? Why can't people use their own minds and see that they already SHOULD be donating to charity's--WITHOUT these "prizes" and half-assed incentives that can't even begin to do the urgency of the cause justice?

I feel like the proper reaction to the "Digital Death" campaign should be the following: "Of COURSE I will donate some money to HIV/AID's instead of eating out tonight, instead of going to a movie tonight, instead of going to the bars tonight, but I REFUSE to do it through this campaign. I could careless about the goings on in these celebrities lives and I find it insulting that they think myself and the world I live in is so obsessed with them that I would actually give that egotistical insensitive the time of day."

I am sure that people think that by using celebrities, their cause will gain more credibility. Whenever I see a cause using a famous person though, I almost automatically lose interest in the cause because suddenly the cause is less about what they are trying to help, and more about the person trying to help it. When people like Brad Pitt go to Africa to help with what-have-you, People Magazine is not covering the good works they did, they are covering: "did they enjoyed their time there? did they sleep with anyone there? was Angelina with him?"

I believe that campaigns such as those and "Digital Death" are starting at the wrong point. I don't believe people will ever truly care about any of these causes if the only reason they are interested in it is because their famous person tells them they should donate money.

We need to somehow find a way to chip at America's growing apathy for problems that are not their own/problems they are disconnected with--and truly reignite a sense of compassion. And compassion is started within someone's soul by being truly moved by an almost religious experience--NOT being moved because Justin Timberlake wants you to donate money based off the scripted and half-assed speech he gave into a web cam.

If you want people to care, you need to spark compassion in them, not fuel the celebrity obsessed culture we have.