Thursday, January 6, 2011

failure to take my own advice

the start of my junior year I ended a relationship because I knew the girl I was dating was not satisfied with who I was, no matter what I did for her or how good I treated her, because she would always tell me what I was MISSING and what her ex-boyfriends had that I didn't have. The end result of that relationship was so hurtful to me, I told myself that I would not kiss another girl until I knew that she was the person I was going to marry.

My heart and head both agreed that they I did not and could not afford to go through that sort of heartbreak again, and so I would not get involved with someone (again) unless I knew that they were the person I was going to marry. I knew that by doing this, I would avoid so much pain and suffering.

Needless to say, I didn't follow my own advice. I got involved with someone and fell for them too hard too fast and am in a situation that has produced more hurt and tears from me than all of the hurt and tears I've had combined in my life until this point.

Why didn't I take my own advice? As I walked into my apartment after another night of joy, and pain, and longing I thought of what I had told myself and I remembered that this is exactly what I told myself that. Did I not listen to my own advice because I naively thought this would somehow be different? That somehow she would come 'round and see that I was good enough for her and that dating with the intention of marriage is not an awful or a naive thing to do at 22 years old? Did I not take my own advice because I knew that I loved her and I wanted to be there for her and make her feel special and desired and valued, no matter what the cost for myself? Did I think the cost to myself wouldn't be that much? Will anything I ever said or did for her really have an impact in the end? Will this cycle actually end when she leaves or will it just be on pause?

Will she remember that everything I did for her was to show her how valuable she is? Or will she sell herself short--causing everything I did for absolute naught? Will she remember that the only reason I CAN love like this is because of how much I know God loves me? Or will she push that whole idea to the wayside because it's part of something she's not even interested in?

Why was the girl that appreciated me the most in my life the girl who I was the absolute worst boyfriend to? Why did she stick with me for almost 3 years? What made me good enough then, and yet now the past two relationships I've been in are with people who don't even think I'm good enough for them, and I'm in for easily under a year. Will there only be that one girl who thought I was good enough, even as a shitty boyfriend, to be with? Why do I feel like a fix for those two girls, right until something better comes along and then I am forgotten about and dropped like I was never there and like they never felt anything about me.

I am so sick of feeling like a fix. I want to feel valued and loved and appreciated to my core just like how I appreciate this thing that I'm in, even despite all the hurt it has and will cause me (that I hope to finished with one day). I want that to happen SOON. Because I fear so much of falling back in this disgusting routine when she gets back in 6 months. My heart simply can not afford or take more of this hurt. I fear that if I stay in this, I will forget that I SHOULD value myself and that someone DID find me valuable enough to stay with for almost 3 years, and THAT was even when I was an absolutely horrible boyfriend.

I have so many questions and not enough answers and too much unrest and not even calm and too much hurt and not enough love and too much giving and not enough getting. I once was full but I feel I have drained myself empty and every time I look at her I hear her say "I will never date you. I just have a feeling...I would just never date you". No matter what happens...the first girl I ever feel in love with on the spot, the first girl that I would've given anything for, will NEVER date matter what I do. Just writing this paragraph brought my eyes to tears and writing that quote made them stream out.

I hope one day I will be able to look back and reread all of these blogs and think how stupid I sounded because I either
a) gave up on love entirely
b) am finally in a healthy and unbelievably blessed and loving relationship
And I will be able to forgive her for all of this hurt and forgive myself for letting all of this hurt happen to myself. I doubt this will be anytime soon, but my God I hope it is sooner rather than later. I can't take so much hurt much longer dear God. I simply can not.