Friday, March 26, 2010


i think it's one of the kindest things when people ask "where have you been?"
i wonder if God thinks the same thing.

i'm attempting to make this blog short and sweet:

i'm far from perfect, but i'm trying daily to fight off my demons.
the problem i have is with people that do not try to continuously better themselves, and are leaders in their church. i'm not just talking staff per-say, i'm talking all the way down to the people that lead a group of twenty people in a small Bible study, who are the spiritual mentor for one person.
i think people in the church would be truly shocked and appalled if they found out just how spiritually immature some of their leaders are.
it's not necessary "the blind leading the blind". it's more like "the stupid leading the people who refuse to open their eyes"
please do NOT mistake me for saying that our church leaders should be perfect. they will never be. none of us will ever be.
i am simply saying that i believe our leaders should be trying their best to lead a Christ filled life. i DON'T want someone who is leading my Bible study to be having the EXACT SAME struggles they had in high school. i want them to have NEW ones. i want them to be constantly bettering themselves. constantly fighting off their demons. especially if they are putting themselves in positions where they could be held responsible for someone else's spiritual growth.

"i don't believe in love anymore, not from those around me who have loved before. with their broken promises, and their failed attempts, and only when it's easy- come on, admit it."
-bradley hathaway

I could honestly go on for days about this. But I don't need to...I honestly think that picture says about all there is to say for me.

Well, all I want to say is this:
Coming to college, I only had one expectation. One thing I was almost certain would happen since at least 8th grade. It wasn't getting kicked out of college, it wasn't starting a band, it wasn't losing and gaining friends, it wasn't joining and then leaving an on campus church (etcetc); all I thought would happen is that I would find the girl that I would spend the rest of my life with.

I'm sure some of you read that and you're thinking "WHAT A SAP" or something along those lines. Trust me, I'm thinking the SAME THING. But regardless, that's what I always thought. That was the one expectation I had coming into college, and that's probably one of the only things both good and bad that hasn't actually even come close to happening.

Next Spring I will be getting ready to graduate, and Lord willing be getting ready to move on to a full time career. And I have this awful feeling like the one thing I thought for SURE would happen in college won't actually happen. Unless God performs some sort of miracle and literally points her out to me, and me to her?

My friend Libby told me something to the affect of "You have to be in love with a persons flaws just as much as you love the person". At the time I really didn't understand, or agree with her. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood what she was saying. It's that I need to be okay with a persons flaws, I need to NOT want to change someone, and love them EXACTLY how they are. To be honest, I never really knew that before. So maybe that will be sort of a flagship for me (is that the right use of that term even haha)?

All I know for sure is I don't want to settle. That's what my friend Jeff told me once he said "Never settle for a girl who you honestly, deep down in your heart, is exactly what you want. Flaws and all." (again, there's that loving someone who their flaws thing again! he told me this 2 years ago and it took all 2 years AND someone saying something very similar for me to finally get this)

Who knows?

It never ceases to blow my mind about just how wrong I am about everything, and how little I truly understand life.

Songs that might better explain how I feel. and are a lot greater and more entertaining and beautiful than me making this blog at an attempted focused subject of my ideas of love. well. idea is the wrong word, but i'm sure you know what I mean: