my reality is that i don't think this girl will ever love me, because i am simply not good enough for her.
my reality is that i feel this giant fear growing inside me that i will always be alone. that love is not for me. that i will never meet a girl who i am in love with, and who thinks that i am good enough for her love.
my reality is i would feel overjoyed if i could just stop right here. if this girl could be my last first kiss. but i doubt that's going to happen. i don't know why i'm still in the situation i'm in. i don't know why she keeps letting me love her, while she likes me. i can't help but wonder sometimes if in the back of her mind she is constantly trying to figure out the day to tell me she doesn't want to be a part of this anymore, and breaks my heart.
i think there is irony in that the girl that treated me the best, hands down, so far in my life, was the girl i dated throughout high school. the girl who i was an awful boyfriend to. all i did was take and take and take but i had not the slightest clue what it was just give, and to have joy in giving. but she did.
now i am stuck wondering if all of this is because i never gave back to her when i was in highschool. now i am stuck wondering what it is about me that makes a someone being in love with me next to impossible.
in my 21 years of living, i have had one consistent thought: how amazing it will be to be in (mutual) love with a girl, ask her to marry me, start a family with her, grow old and happy together.
now i am stuck wondering if God is somehow punishing me or not letting me have that because He knows how much I've valued that my whole life. maybe if i just did not care, i would find my dream. but how do i stop caring about something i have cared about and thought about and valued for so long?
why can't the girl i am in love with feel it in her heart that i am good enough for her, and love me back?
i have learned through this relationship that it does not matter how good you are to someone, how much love you give to them, how much you care about them...it will never change the fact that they think you're just not good enough for them.
one of my greatest fears is to die unloved, unmarried, without a handsome son or beautiful daughter. i am terrified that my greatest fear is slowly coming true day by day by day.
Chet. You are 21 years old.
ReplyDeleteDid you know the AVERAGE age of marriage for men in America is 27?
6 years ago you were 15 and didn't have a driver's license.
Imagine ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD GO DOWN in the next 6 years.
Sometimes I feel this way and get in this rut, and like Lydia I tell myself "Love is NOT for me" so that it doesn't hurt as bad. But I know what it is to desire it with every bone in my body. I'm going on 24 soon, and I feel that, believe me.
Now here is the LAST thing I know.
The God we serve is a jealous God.
He says it over and over and over again.
If we claim to love God but do not recognize him as the SOURCE of all things good...
If you and I are on the same wavelength there is a really big difference between operating within the will of God, and operating within the will of our desires, our flesh, our yearnings. Try to ponder that for awhile. It's scratchy, but God doesn't bless what He doesn't ordain.
You won't die alone, and once I join the nunnery neither will I.
Me, Scott and Bri can take care of you.
Bevan will try to, but he might forget.
Just kidding. : )
I agree with Abz, you're not at the point yet where you should be wondering "Am I going to end up alone?" I know in my own experiences I didn't find a girl who mutually returned my feelings until I stopped desiring such a relationship that would "complete my life". What I mean by that, and what I sense subtly in this blog, is that if you were to end up not married, you would somehow feel as if you had missed something. Honestly, I believe that it is okay to desire things in this life, but the minute we feel as if our life isn't as great because something didn't come our way, is when we begin to place more importance on that thing then God Himself. The best thing in this life is that we have God, and everyday He's walking beside us whether or not we acknowledge Him. And the last thing I can say from my experiences is that when my heart finally came to a place of not worrying about ending up single, but rather living each day with Him being content with either outcome, it was then that (I believe) God brought someone into my life who desired me in the same way I desired them. In essence, I believe that if we seek God first, the other things in this world don't seem so overbearing, intimidating, or unmanageable anymore.
ReplyDeleteHmm. There's nothing I can say here other than I feel even MORE blessed with my fiance after reading this. For that, thanks a lot.
ReplyDeleteI dont have any advice to give, though a wise Mark Brewer once told me the best advice for marriage was to pursue God constantly. That is when Katey will love me the most, and I think in this situation it's good advice as well.
Let go and let God.
ReplyDeleteGod has someone totally wonderful for you. You'll see. People were meant to love, God won't leave you hanging.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the girl you're waiting for (who you may or may not have met) just isn't as ready as you are. Give this all some time, she's gonna be worth the wait.
Once you're with her it will be like the first day of your life, and nothing else before, like all this waiting and heartache, will matter.