when love doesn't stop

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done a lot of things that I am not even close to being proud of, and I've had a lot of expectations for my life that haven't come true.

I had a friend ask me "How does it feel that you're about to graduate college and you haven't found your wife yet?"

I responded to her a few weeks later when I had the guts to say it "You know, I may not of found my wife. But I fell in love with you. I am in love with you. And I think that, that brings me so much closer than anything I could've ever thought"

So she is right. I haven't found a girl who wants to marry me, or even a girl who loves me.

But what I did find is someone who I am in love with. I have found someone who I would do anything for. I am so thankful to just know her, and I am so thankful that I find so much joy in just sitting next to her, and talking with her. And despite all the problems that come with being in love with someone who isn't even interested in being in a relationship, God keeps letting love flow to her from my heart.

I know that if He did not want me to love her anymore, all He really would have to do is untie His end for it. But He doesn't. I know that I will stop loving her when He stops giving me the love to love her with.

So for now, I am in love with a girl who wants us to just be really good friends, but is the same girl that when she sees me, still really likes me. That is the same girl that finds joy in spending time with me too.

I wish I knew the stories ending. Sometimes I wish that God would stop filling my hands with this agape love to give to a person who simply is not interested in that right now. And yes it hurts more than I have ever hurt before sometimes--to be in this situation.

All I can do is pray that God protects me, and that God protects my vision for whomever it is that I will end up marrying. All I can do is pray that God protects the girl I am in love with--that if she never ever feels the same way for me, that she knows now that there is a person out there who loved her more than she will ever be able to know. I pray that God softens her heart to the idea of love, and through that she will not settle for a person that loves her less than I do right now.

This ending of what was never really a relationship has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I know now that what is worse than being in love with someone that just really likes you, is being in love with a person that still really likes you but doesn't want either of us to show how we feel anymore. It is so hard to keep Love inside my chest. All I want to do is just buy her flowers and give her sweet kisses and help her with her homework and just be there for her.

But all I can do is rely on God and my friends to help me through all this, and be in constant prayer for her and myself. All I can do is try and just be friends with a girl that I would give the world to- just to make sure she was safe for the rest of her life.