Last night was one of the most insane nights of my life.
My (now former) band The Kaleidoscope, Brighter got to play at an outdoor show, with a really, REALLY nice dude named Shawn McDonald. The forecast said it was supposed to clear up, as it was raining cats and dogs earlier in the day when we were exploring the town. Needless to say, it did not. And someone, in their infinite wisdom decided we were going to trust the weather people who said it was supposed to clear up by the time the show started. It sort of did...but it was still doing some pretty heavy misting, and the ground was soaked. My TOMS were soaked. My feet were freezing.
As would be the history of our band, wires got crossed, and the sound guy (who seemed like he was having a really, really super awful day) did not realize that we weren't the "typical" rock band and that we needed a lot more than what he thought we did. That was sort of stressful, to have the sound guy...who is basically in charge of you sounding good to the crowd, not really liking you. I digress however.
My mind was filled with a lot of negative thought before we got on stage. Just super burdened, super weighed down. I knew that this isn't good for me to feel like this when I play on stage. Not that I play poorly, but just that I am entirely unable to have that joyful release that I usually do when I played with TKB.
I could sort of see the crowd from behind the stage, as we were waiting to go up, while the local radio station was doing what they do. It seemed like an alright size of people. Then I heard them announce our name and the next thing I knew I was walking up the super slippery wood stairs to the stage. I grabbed my guitar, did a quick tune, and jumped into our first song. About a minute into the first song I finally took a minute to pay attention to the crowd. I was aghast. This is going to sound so, so silly, but I felt like I was playing Warped Tour. There were far too many people out there for me to count. I would hear afterwards that it was easily over 300 people, and quite possibly over 400. This was insane to me.
I knew I had to put on a good show for them, so I attempted to channel the frustration going on in my head through my guitar/my playing. I hated that. I hated that while on stage I could not actually enjoy playing in front of soo many people. I hated that my mind was so bogged down with things that weren't even about the show, and that I was so distracted from it all. It was the worst feeling in the world. I turned to Brian, our drummer, and mouthed several times what kept popping into my head: "I need a religious experience". Any other time I would've told you that playing in front of so many people could've and would've, but tonight it was just noise to me.
I got off stage and was complimented for my energy and how "You were having so much fun!", "You looked so happy", etcetc. That made me feel even worse. That was easily the most dissengenuine performance of my entire life, and people thought I was having all this fun and I was so happy. When really I was channeling super, SUPER negative energy and felt absolutely terrible.
The rest of the night was pretty downhill from there for me. I took off to walk around campus, to not let my negative energy rub off on anyone else. Then I found this little circle, concrete a foot or so off the ground, with a place to sit that circled it. I took a seat on the cold and completely drenched concrete and just stared into the sky. I thought to God, "Give me a religious experience. I feel like hell right now. Give me a religious experience. If you know me, than show me. GIVE ME A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE."
So I sat. I sat in the rain and then mist and then rain for over an hour on that concrete circle. I had no idea what to except. I doubted anything was going to happen. I was born a doubter I think. After an hour had past, I was like "Screw this. Nothing is going to happen, I'm freezing my butt off. I want to go and eat and go home and try and sleep. I want to leave here." I didn't leave though. I just kept sitting. I had no reason to. I knew that nothing was going to happen. I KNEW nothing could happen.
Next thing I know I here someone say "Hi! Do you want an umbrella?" I look up and these two girls were standing outside the circle looking at me.
"No thanks," I said "I'm waiting for a religious experience."
"Oh, we're sorry! We didn't mean to bother you. You thought you might've been praying, but you looked wet so we wanted to see if you needed an umbrella."
"It's cool, I'm fine! And it's no problem at all, who knows, you guys might be part of the religious experience that I'm waiting for."
"What's your name?" one of the girls asked.
I got off my circle and went to where the were, sitting indian style on the concrete still a little elevated from where they were standing outside of the other circle that surrounded the circle I was sitting. We started talking, they started talking to me about "love languages", a concept which I first hear of from my friend Eric. I think it might be a Bible College thing. We kept talking, and they started to address everything that was weighing me down. They didn't know me, they did not have a damn clue what was on my heart, what was going on in my life. Nothing. But they kept bringing up these things that I was thinking. It was insane. Insane. Then we both went our separate ways. Them not having a clue what just happened, me still trying to wrap my head around it.
I thought I just had a religious experience. I thought about this hours and hours and hours. I got very little sleep because of the conversation that took part, and what they said about what was on my heart (mind you, they had no idea what was on my heart...they honestly just kept talking, and I just kept listening). Then I realized I was missing the big picture. The conversation was not the most important part of what happened. The conversation was just an excuse for the event to occur.
What happened was a religious experience. What happened was I told God that I needed a religious experience. And He did. I believe that He used those two girls to talk about what was on mind and heart, to show that He knew what I was thinking and how I felt...that He is not deaf. He let me know that despite all my doubting, He is real, and He showed me.
I could've already gone back to the green room, I could've stayed with the band, I could've stopped elsewhere on campus, I could've just not played the show, these two girls could've not come out of wherever they did for whatever reason they did, these two girls could've talked about the movie they saw last week and how sweet it was, the show could've been moved inside to avoid the rain in which case I would've been elsewhere entirely.
The point is, a million different things could've happened to stop this experience from happening. But they didn't. I believe that God used those two girls, that conversation which was somehow about exactly what was weighing me down, to show me that He loves me and that He is listening.
Everything that was used was like a vessel. The two girls, what was weighing on my heart, the conversation about what was on my heart that they didn't even know about, the weather, "fate", were all vessels to give me what I asked for: a religious experience.
God knew that I was at my wits end. He knew how much I was doubting everything, He knew that I would at times wonder if He even existed. Then God answered that question.
That's not to say that my whole life has been changed, that I now believe everything that all my friends who abandoned me because of my doubts believe, that I have all the answers to all my questions, that me myself have changed...
All I know is that one of my questions was answered before I slipped too far into the dark. All I know is that I asked and was given. I knocked and the door was opened for me. I gave up and was helped. For the first time in my life, I surrendered what I knew and what I thought I knew, all my doubt and cynicism and waited for an answer, and was given one.
And that is all I know.
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