unrefined records vs refined records (or) why kids like hardcore music so much PART 1

To me, something being unrefined means as pure and raw as it can get. It means just straight-up emotion. Not too much thinking, not too much preplanning about what you're going to say, just going up to a microphone and saying/singing/screaming about what is overflowing in your heart at that moment. Some of my favorite records of my youth, and still to this day, have been in this vein: Chiodos: All's Well That Ends Well, Dashboard Confessional: The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most, My Chemical Romance: Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, The Chariot: Wars and Rumors of War, Saosin: Translating the Name, Underoath: Define the Great Line, The Devil Wears Prada: With Roots Above and Branches Below...and many, many more.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I some of my favorite records are also the most refined and thought out I've ever heard: Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago, 1997: ...A Better View of the Rising Moon, Matthew Good: Avalanche, Lydia: Illuminate...and again--many, many more.

I'm not saying one way is better than the other by any means. In fact, I love them both equally.

But I have noticed a problem between the two. I have noticed that if a band writes an unrefined record, and follows it up with a refined record, it will generally not be received as well. Let me explain via a few of my favorite records, and then the same bands follow up albums:

Chiodos

"All's Well that Ends Well" vs "Bone Palace Ballet"

"All's Well that Ends Well"--->When I first sat down to listen to Chiodo's (official) debut record, "All's Well That Ends Well", I seriously had a tidal wave of emotions. The music was so fast, so unstructured, so adhd, it was amazing. And Craig Owens's voice just periced my ears with conviction and angst with lyrics such as "One day women will all become monsters...", "If your stomach feels weak then my work here is done", I knew this dude had something really rotten happen to him, and you could tell by his voice and lyrics.

"Bone Palace Ballet"--->Then a few years afterwards, enter the much more refined "The Bone Palace Ballet", a seemingly post-hardcore symphony. It felt structured to me. It felt planned. And Craig's voice had lost that conviction and angst that it had on their (official) debut record. It sounded controlled, it sounded like he actually choose to hold back, therefore creating a lot more of a dynamic record than "All's Well That Ends Well". Which is not a bad thing by any means. There are many great songs on this album, and Craig's voice does sound a lot better, in regards to technique, than their first one.

The Verdict--->When "Bone Palace Ballet" came out, I read one phrase over and over on message boards "There isn't enough screaming". At face value, this sounds really childish. These emo kids were upset that Craig Owens decided to scream less and focus on singing more? Well, not quite. What I believe they meant by "There isn't enough screaming" is: "Where'd the passion go?" With Owens choosing to refine his voice to fit songs like "A Letter to Janelle" and "Intensity in Ten Cities", he lost a lot of craze he had in his voice on the original record.

Dashboard Confessional

"The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most" vs "The Shade of Poison Trees", "Dusk and Summer", " Alter the Ending"

"The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most"--->In 2001, Chris Carrabba released his second acoustic record under the name of Dashboard Confessional. To the average fan, Chris sounded like a kid who kept getting his heart broken in high school. That every single girl who looked his way he would fall in love with, then get his heart broken, and then write a song like "The Brilliant Dance" via picking up his guitar, writing a little poetry about the situation, then singing his guts out in GarageBand. With every note sang on this record, you would've believed that he recorded each song with the emotion of knowing that he was going to send a copy of each song to the girl he wrote it about. This was the first record I ever heard the term "emo" about (not to be confused with the really crappy bands and cookie-cutter kids that the term is slapped on today). And for good reason too, I believe. This record absolutely drips with heart break. Even today when I listen to "The Best Deception", as lame as it is, it makes me question if you can ever really trust a girl with your heart. Fast forward to the last track of the record "This Bitter Pill" where Carrabba sounds like he is practically crying at the end of the song he is just so dang upset.

"The Shade of Poison Trees" (etcetc)--->Let's talk about disasters shall we? On this and all the following Dashboard records, I feel like Chris is trying way hard to not talk about his high school heart break. I mean, sure, you can call it growing up, but I call it refined. I call it refined and awfully boring compared to his emotion riddled "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most". And as I stated before, I really do like refined records too. But "The Shade of Poison Trees" (and all the following) just sound soo boring to me. He is like...trying to write these songs that sound smart instead of songs that he is just wailing away at his beat up acoustic guitar and his cracking voice. But all his other songs (aside from "A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, a Scar) just feel like these boring ol' songs to me. Refined and very colorless.

The Verdict--->For the love of my youth and in and out of heartbreak states, Chris Carrabba, please go back to wailing on your guitar and voice. It's 3 records in and I still can't get used to this new and refined you. I am happy your life is happy, but you still have to have some sort of teenage-angst left in your bones!!! I don't believe that Chris Carrabba was meant to sing in any other style but singing/crying about some jerk girl that broke his heart.

My Chemical Romance

"Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" vs "Welcome to the Black Parade"

"Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge"--->The first interview's I read about "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge", I was almost shocked that Gerard Way said that this record was a concept album about "A character who was killed by gunfire, then makes a deal with the Devil to see his lover again, but first must bring the souls of a thousand men to Hell". To be honest, I think this is just Way being overly pretentious. This record rips right through you with brutal guitar riffs and Way's convicting voice and lyrics, a little short of 40 minutes of sheer energy and intensity. The band clearly holds nothing back on their major label debut, and it shows as it tears through the speakers and your ears and your face. A very obviously unrefined world debut of a good old fashioned guitars, drums, and vocal band. A rock band. And despite what Gerard has said in interviews, there is absolutely no way that his voice quivering and those harsh lyrics can be simple products of a concept album.

"Welcome to the Black Parade"--->I'm not a fan of good bands trying to be super pretentious. At all. I was never a big Green Day fan, but I about threw up when I heard their latest 2 albums. No matter how hard they try to be conceptual and political, Green Day is a punk band. As simple as that. I feel the same about My Chemical Romance. To me, as close-minded as it may sound or may actually be, they are a fast, driving, pissed off punk band. Simple as that. This out of total left field, overly epic album is just another example of a good band trying WAY too hard (i.e. Taking Back Sunday: New Again, Coldplay: Viva La Vida, Fall Out Boy: Folie A Deux). With an overly obvious concept that the band attempts to lace together, it becomes clear why the band did shows for this record under the name "The Black Parade" more than a few times, as opposed to their actual name--because clearly, this record is not the My Chem we all know and love.

The Verdict--->My Chemical Romance needs to stop trying soo hard to be a Queen/Pink Floyd tribute band and just be themselves. Don't get me wrong, "Welcome to the Black Parade" is an epic and musically fantastic album. In a scene that is over-saturated with more and more of the same thing, they did an amazing job with that record to set themselves apart from it all. However though, the intensity and aggressiveness of "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" is sorely lacking in this album. Making it a much weaker effort than the prior record.

Unrefined records vs records records

The answer--->From looking at these three artists, and looking at their both refined and unrefined records, I have found one thing for me to be true: I absolutely can not stand it when a band writes an extremely unrefined record, and then follows it up with a refined record.

However, if a band writes a refined record, holding a lot back and being very careful and dynamic with everything, and then follows it up with a brutal, emotional, and intense refined record, I can do that.

But for me honestly, it's all about the first impression of a band. If I hear a band being unrefined/super emotional with a record, that's how I'm going to think of them. But if I hear a band that is super refined in regards to their musicianship, or has the capacity to do both (i.e. Lydia), that's awesome too. While I do not want any of my favorite bands to make the same record twice, I do want them to continue to make records that are consistently better and (if possible) even more refined or unrefined, or a healthy mixture of both, than the ones before them.

Part 2: why kids like hardcore music so much (UP IN A WEEK)

Throwing Stones, Skipping Stones [Pt 2]

This is the second part to my spoken word project.

Last time people found it helpful to understand the poems if I provided what they mean to me, so I'll do that again, in the comments section of this blog post. So be sure that if you want to interpret the poems for yourself, avoid reading the comm

ent section until the end of your listen(s) so as to not...er...spoil(?) them for yourself. I don't believe there is any right way to interpret these, not even my own. So I hope some of you really take different things from these.

I hope some of these poems really speak to you guys, provoke your thoughts, make you feel something...make you feel anything. I know they mean the world to me, so I hope they can mean something to someone else too.

Part 2: click here to download Throwing Stones, Skipping Stones [Pt2]

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Good God, Sunday Morning (I)

Speak.

Only what you believe.

Certainty.

The idea of knowing exactly what everything you read must mean.

Justify.

What I do not have to do for you about anything I have ever said.

Small.

Must be the size of God in your head.

Small.

Must be the size of God in your head.

Small.

Must be the size of God in your head.

If everyone who is not you is wicked,

And you are the righteous,

And you are the chosen,

And you understand every word and verse of that 1635 page book

And that book was written by the thing that created the whole universe?

And you think you understand even a fraction of what is written in that 1635 page book?

Then small is the size of god in your head.

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Cherem

My confidence shudders

Like a volcano eruption on an island off the coast of I don’t know where

The rumble of missionaries foot steps, sent to people who can’t even speak their language, but they say “God DOES care”

But these words have their wear.

So poised to reach out,

Don’t you ever wonder what these people would think

When we point at the water and the sky and whisper “You must be saved from a damned fate”

Well then I point at myself for the crusades

I point a finger at myself for all the hate speech against gays that Christians make

I point a finger at myself like the street preacher yelling about the end and “Repent! You sinners, you heathens, it IS too late!”

Well if Jesus Christ had been buried he would be rolling over in His grave

You use your words to speak of a life that none of us can obtain

Diamonds as ears nothing can be chipped

Nothing worth an open mind too hear

Your words are nothing if not empty to these people on the street.

I speak for a thousand strong, but you will never speak for me

I do not speak for Jesus Christ, I speak from what I see.

My life is a representation of grace laden imperfection, and a testimony of everything I believe.

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Black Letters

Don't let your compassion leak into waters that can never feel warmth.

Don't condemn off of words of men who simply wrote down their thoughts.

This is not what the world needs

Another finger pointing group of zealots

Like they are the righteous, and you are the wicked.

Pour a cup of water into the Grand Canyon

Let me know how quickly it can become a body of water.

I'll even let you name it!

We are all a portion of empty waiting to be filled.

Bur our cups will never spillith over because we are completely deaf to barking orders.

This is a war of who thinks they have the most spiritual intellect.

Who can twist the black text enough to fit into a baseball into an axe like Jezebel longed to make heads roll?

"Cherem! Cherem! Cherem!"

The modern day prophets and messiahs cry

As my old friends and my same enemies are busy throwing nooses of words at and around both of our necks

I will remind you that I am at the gallows with you

I will remind you that there is so much more than the knives that cut their ropes to keep our feet from dangling above the ground.

So much forgiveness and grace to be found once we loosen the weights at our ankles, once we have the strength to stand on open air and trust we won't fall down.

Once we allow ourselves to have get swept away by His song, and not their sound.

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Good God, Sunday Morning (II)

There is an alternative version to this.

There is a different way that we could exist.

I am lost amidst sand storms that bite at my lips and wear away at "that kiss"

Even better than the first time I stood at your door way and I considered the thought of "us", could be more than just a fleeting oasis--my mouth was dry and full of sores from all the deserts I've wandered through before

But as you stood there

As you stand there

With your keys shaking in your hand

You had seen a lot of movies, I referenced one, knowing that you would understand

Do you understand?

I don't just want to have Paris with you.

I am settled to have chance decide when we are looking at the same sky turn red, then blue.

Do you know what I am saying to you?

I don't want to know you in twenty years,

I want to know you in-between that space of now, and then.

So maybe the sunflowers will stop blooming

And maybe we'll move far on and forget all our songs

But--tiny, clumsy, dancing girl, this skinny love will only last as long as you want it to carry on

So pick yourself up,

Tell me how much you care.

Meet me at the airport, I'll say goodbye to you there.

Throwing Stones, Skipping Stones [Pt 1]

This is the first part of (possibly) many parts of this spoken word project.

I am not sure what people are going to think of Throwing Stones, Skipping Stones, but it is my hope that at least a few of you can appreciate these poems for something or another. I was considering explaining what these poems meant, but then I realized that what I would really be saying is what these poems meant to me, which is entirely unimportant. I really hope that you can find meaning, find yourself being moved, and find yourself thinking and over-thinking...in some of my mess of words and voice.

Part 1: click here to download Throwing Stones, Skipping Stones [Pt1]

To the Man that Sent His Son to War

If this is just a thought

Don’t mean it, do not take another breath

This is your son’s war in a situation that you unabashfully created

He will follow the path of (you) the phantom for his whole life

This is your son’s battle cry in this war that you volunteered him for

No one in their right mind knowingly wants to run head first into a firing squad

But you cannot navigate in an ocean with a thousand starless nights

So, from land to water to land and back again until the barrels are empty and the rashins gone

If this mutiny is just a thought

Do not touch her.

Do not take another breath.

Do not try to pry the captain’s hands from this ship.

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To the Reckless

Safety was not his first thought

“This shell is uncomfortable, I will break through to get what I want from you”

God forbid you disappoint him

“It isn’t the same with this plastic cocoon”

“I know what you want baby, and I respect it too, but I need you to do this for me to know that I want you. I love you.”

Word vomit, letters that do not make sense

But the phrasing and pacing of assurance…so much so that it doesn’t even make Peter sink.

(He does not care)

And this will be his seventh Grammy alone this year.

Congratulations are the wedding dresses to a consolation prize in her eyes of an action like a black man in the 1960’s- free and dreaming and alive.

She used to not believe in hand outs but the public health services prove to be more than useless gifts

As the needles broke her skin and blood vials spin and she sits in the waiting room alone as the sweating begins

The thoughts are loud enough to be an Imax theatre. 3-d. In high-definition. Everyone wondering what was on whose lips they exchanged a bit more than they probably should have gave.

So cut the set belts out of your automobiles and do anything and everything to make you feel the best, clog the holes in drowning ships with bundles of sticks

Sunroofs are useless in a steady rain; recklessness is best kept as a saline drip.

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To the Man that is a father, who is not a Father

I am her father.

I am a ghost…

I am the spirit in her house

I am the creek in her bed that grows louder as she fails to get prouder

And the boys that are in step with the noise grow older and so much border

What actions this sort of prince charming courage employs,

Is the exact same selfish flame that gave me what I need to leave her frozen in place

I am her father.

I am the walking dead.

I am a ghost.

As always, I would love to hear peoples opinions on either the poems or my performance of them. Please be a little gentle this go'round though, it is my first time.

christianity done gone stupidly

So my friend handed me a fake million dollar bill that someone at her work had been handed by a costumer. I turned it over and read this:

The million dollar question: will you go to heaven when you die? Here's a quick test. Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything, or used God's name in vain? Jesus said, "Whoever looks at a women to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Have you looked with lust? Will you be guilty on judgement day? If you have done those things, God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart. The Bible warns that if you are guilty you will end up in hell. that's not God's will. He sent his son to suffer and die on the cross for you. You broke God's law, but Jesus paid your fine. That means He can legally dismiss your case. He can commute your death sentence. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Then he rose from the dead and defeated death. Please, repent (turn away from sin) today and trust alone in Jesus, and God will grant you the gift of everlasting life, then read your Bible daily and obey it.

The ice cream employee had been handed an infamous tract, most likely by an extremely right-winged Christian who said something witty when he/she had handed it to the girl. Most likely to the affect of "Here's a million dollars to save your life" or maybe "Here, keep the tip. God bless you."

I read yesterday in the New York Times that archeologists found what was believed to be another chapter in the book of Matthew 2 years ago, and finally have been able to translate a few sentences of it:

And Jesus said unto them, "Don't you dare give people little pieces of paper that try to convince them to be saved by me. I mean...seriously. How stupid do you have to be to do that? Trying to explain Christianity in a little booklet is like trying to explain the biological functions of a bear in one sentence, or trying to explain how to make a MACBOOK PRO out of two sticks and a raccoon hat."

People that evangelize wonder why some people get so offended when they go out and tell people that "Jesus loves you and he died on the cross for your sins, did you know that?". I propose that asking someone that is like asking someone if they knew the sky was blue, or if they knew the story of "The 3 Little Pigs".

The I feel that the majority of people (I'm talking about in America) know the story of Christianity. In fact, they know a lot about different religions. A lot of people know that if you're Muslim you get 40 virgins if you go to paradise, if you're a Catholic you believe that the Virgin Mary is really important, if you're Jewish you aren't supposed to eat certain things, that there's Allah and God, and Mohammed and Jesus, etc.etc. The point is: a lot of people know the story of Christianity, just as they do with a lot of other religions. The tough part of religion is not knowing the stories of each one, but believing the concepts, stories, and teachings of them.

Pyschology 101

Question: Can you get someone (you don't even know) to add to/change/rearrange their belief system and their lifestyle based on any sort of paper handout?

Answer: Of course not you idiot, don't you have any sort of common sense?

If you give someone on the street a Harry Potter book, they might like the story, but they definitely won't believe in wizards based off the book.

If you give someone on the street a tract about Christianity, they might like the story, but they definitely won't believe the message based off the tract.

But if someone saw a wizard in action; making things fly, casting spells that make food appear, making potions that make you look like someone else, then they would be much more likely to believe in magic and wizards.

If someone saw a Christian in action; living selflessly, loving everyone without any sort of catch, trying to better themselves as a person before trying to "fix" other people, showing integrity, living concepts of Jesus Christ, being honest about their life--then they would be much more likely to believe that there is a God that loves them, a Christ that died for them, and salvation to be found.

To my brothers and sisters who are not Christian: I deeply and sincerely apologize for all the ignorant Christians that you have and will encounter that try to sell their religion to you as if it's something that can be marketed. These people are very far away from what (I believe) it means to be a Christian. But, they are stuck in their tradition, in their living life with the blinders on--refusing to think of the consequences of their actions by being so narrow minded and stupid.

To my brothers and sisters who are Christian: I deeply and sincerely ask you to stop handing out tracts to people. If you believe that your God, your Christ, your salvation...can be explained in anything short of a life lived, than you have not even begun to grasp your religion. People should know you by your good works, not by your loud and abrasive words and your small print booklets. You can't "win one over for God" (which by the way, is STILL, TOTALLY, and UTTERLY missing the point) through being door to door sales representatives. Be it at your school, your work, your campus, your friends... no one wants to be gently coerced into buying things. But when you actually talk with someone. Actually get to know someone, actually care (and NOT caring because you have intention of sharing your religion, but care because you truly appreciate them as a person), you would be surprised how open people are. But it takes genuinely caring about them first. This means caring about them without hiding the Bible behind your back, like on some sort of secret mission.

We all want to choose for ourselves, not be bullied or persuaded into being this that or the other. The sooner Christians can understand this, the better it will be.

Oh, be joyful.

My statement regarding The Kaleidoscope, Brighter

This summer has been pretty up and down in The Kaleidoscope, Brighter camp.

I have finally come to the extremely tough decision that I will be leaving the band. There is no dramatic story to this; I have been with the band for 2 years, since it started. I have seen 4 friends come and go from this band, some because of personal differences, and other because of different life directions. Now finally it is my time to leave too. This is not personal differences between myself and the band, but a different vision.

I am hoping that I will be able to play a farewell show with the band in Bowling Green, OH in the late summer/early fall, but I'll keep you updated about it.

The next step for myself is simply this: make music. I will not be starting a new band, I will not be starting a "solo project" that plays shows, no myspace, no facebook musician page, etc. I will be, plain and simple, making music. So be on the lookout for some new songs from me in the late fall, and some spoken word pieces by the end of the summer, both of which I am super stoked about.

Thank you for supporting me and all of my creative endeavors. Please continue to support The Kaleidoscope, Brighter also as they continue making music.

an analyzation and railing against "myspace bands"

Urban Dictionary definition of "Myspace Band":

1.	Myspace Band
	1. A band whose popularity comes from their popularity on myspace.com, thus lacking any REAL credibility in today's music scene. This lack of credibility comes from the simplicity through which their popularity is achieved: record songs with decent sound quality, take some pictures of yourself, and add as many friends as possible. This formula thus saturates the music scene with hundreds of thousands of bands that will never make it. Those that do, will have no lasting value. These bands typically will eventually replaced by a newer, more hip, band (See also: flavor of the week). 2. A band followed typically by only the "myspace generation" Myspacer1: "Brah, I'm telling you,(insert name of current flavor of the week band here) will be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one day." LogicalGuy: "That myspace band, or any other myspace band for that matter, will ever be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame"

Last night I went out with some friends to more or less finally see a band that we all talk a lot of smack about...basically to give them a fair chance.

What I encountered was more than disturbing, so please brace yourselves:

For starters, I am in a band myself. We love playing music, and we try everything we can to be genuine and not fake anything. That being said, we have to rely on myspace to get our music out to people, as do hundreds and thousands of both famous and local (such as we are) bands.

If you have not frequented myspace for a while, good for you. Lord knows I deleted my personal account years ago and even the band one doesn't see too much action. That being said, for those of you who are unfamiliar how a myspace band page works: you have a player with your songs on it, and the number of times your songs have been played next to each title. At the bottom of the player it lists the number of total plays you have. In the middle of your page is also your friend count, or, how many other myspace profiles are linked to yours.

Generally these two numbers can be used to gage how popular a band is. Well...no, not anymore.

For instance: We have 2646 "myspace friends" (saying myspace so much makes me cringe I feel like a 16 year old girl), and 14,000ish total plays of our songs.

The band I am ranting about has: OVER 1,000,000 total plays of their songs, along with OVER 31,000 myspace friends, along with over 12,000 comments on their page (TKB has about 400?).

So anyways, my friends and I went to check out this band that has played in the area a fair number of times, easily more than TKB has. So seeing these numbers, I am expecting at least 100-200 swooped hair teen-emo kids. We get there, they start playing. There are 4 kids that came to see them. Let me say that number again. 4 kids. 4 kids who were actually watching the band (sitting down @ a table, mind you).

To start bring this together, let's go over the facts:

BAND A (the one I'm ranting about)

friends: +31,000

comments: +12,000

plays: +1,000,000

kids at their show actually watching: 4

I haven't taken a math class since senior year in high school, but to me, those numbers simply do not add up.

BUT WAIT. Here is the catch. Unknowingly to a lot of younger kids who do not have bands (1/4 kids on myspace?), there are "bots". Bots are simply this: kids (or programs) that enable you to have hundreds and thousands of plays per pay (or per song), along with comments and friends. A tell tail sign that a band is using a bot is one of two ways:

1. Scroll through their comments and see how many are actually from kids. Better yet, kids that commented the band before the band spammed them with "Hey we're The LollyPop Gang and we have a new record out! Check us out and tell your friends!". Also note how many of the comments are more band spammers/general spam.

2. Their myspace player lists 1,000,000 total plays, the band has had a myspace for less than 2 years, and their actually DAILY play count is 9.

A main point of doing this, is so when said myspace band spams a record label with their crappy music and press kit and myspace link via email, the band thinks "Oh, the record label will see our myspace page and all our friends and comments and plays and sweet hair cuts and outfits that they'll just HAVE to sign us! I mean, we are SO LEGIT!".

Unfortunately for all these bands, record labels are NOT as dumb as the myspace band is, and are more than aware of their bullcrap tactics.

Whereas if you check out some up and coming bands I really dig, such as All Get Out and All the Day Holiday, you will not find millions of (fake) plays, millions of (fake) friends, or millions of (spam) comments. What you will find if you go to their myspace is music. Real. Genuine. Music.

And THAT is why THEY are on legit labels, and do all the sweet things that they do. Because they actually give a crap about music, and not about myspace.

I think if bands started to care more about making music that is genuine, and stopped worrying about their online image, it would be right around the same time hell would freeze over.

The lesson: bands can fake the number of friends, plays, and comments all they want, but the number of people at your show, and the number of kids that are actually into it, does not lie. At all.

it's hard to be the better man, when you forget you're trying

I wrote and then rewrote this blog over a course of several hours. One version was a good 3 microsoft word (single spaced) document. The other was a simple sentence. So hopefully this is a good mix of the two.

At times, I am one of the most over-confident person I know. To the outside eye, I know what I am doing, and I back everything I say 100%. But, as Big Daddy would say, "BULL".

I am deathly scared of trying my hardest to fight off my demons, without anyone ever telling me good job.

I am even more scared of trying to be a gentleman to women, but no girl I love ever saying to me "You know, I really do think you're amazing because you honestly try and treat me as a girl should be treated."

To me, I see soo many dudes being jerks to girls, and soo many girls being totally okay with it. Dudes shutting up their conscience to use girls so they can get what they want, and girls shutting up their conscience so they can give guys what they want...for whatever the reasons are.

If there is one thing I can honestly say I have consistently tried to be better at in my life, it's being a gentleman. But sometimes it is soo freaking hard to do. Sometimes I think "What if no one even notices that I try? What if no one CARES that I try? What if I treat a girl the way (I believe) she should be treated and she goes back to dudes that just don't care like I do? That just use her for what they want." then I think "What's the point of trying so hard like I do if no one is ever even going to care?".

I'm not saying perfect by any stretch of the imagination, Lord knows I struggle every day to do this, and I know it's awful to compare myself to others.

But I can't help thinking: what's the point of trying to be a better man if you never actually make a dent in someone's life in a positive way? What's the point in trying if no one ever cares that you tried?

Sometimes I just feel like I will always be taken for granted in this regard.

And I know the point of living a good life is not to have people pat you on the back and tell you "Good job" all the time. But sometimes it'd be nice to feel noticed. I think.