it's hard to be the better man, when you forget you're trying

I wrote and then rewrote this blog over a course of several hours. One version was a good 3 microsoft word (single spaced) document. The other was a simple sentence. So hopefully this is a good mix of the two.

At times, I am one of the most over-confident person I know. To the outside eye, I know what I am doing, and I back everything I say 100%. But, as Big Daddy would say, "BULL".

I am deathly scared of trying my hardest to fight off my demons, without anyone ever telling me good job.

I am even more scared of trying to be a gentleman to women, but no girl I love ever saying to me "You know, I really do think you're amazing because you honestly try and treat me as a girl should be treated."

To me, I see soo many dudes being jerks to girls, and soo many girls being totally okay with it. Dudes shutting up their conscience to use girls so they can get what they want, and girls shutting up their conscience so they can give guys what they want...for whatever the reasons are.

If there is one thing I can honestly say I have consistently tried to be better at in my life, it's being a gentleman. But sometimes it is soo freaking hard to do. Sometimes I think "What if no one even notices that I try? What if no one CARES that I try? What if I treat a girl the way (I believe) she should be treated and she goes back to dudes that just don't care like I do? That just use her for what they want." then I think "What's the point of trying so hard like I do if no one is ever even going to care?".

I'm not saying perfect by any stretch of the imagination, Lord knows I struggle every day to do this, and I know it's awful to compare myself to others.

But I can't help thinking: what's the point of trying to be a better man if you never actually make a dent in someone's life in a positive way? What's the point in trying if no one ever cares that you tried?

Sometimes I just feel like I will always be taken for granted in this regard.

And I know the point of living a good life is not to have people pat you on the back and tell you "Good job" all the time. But sometimes it'd be nice to feel noticed. I think.

build your heart of diamonds and you won't need no ring

For those of you who have known me for a long time, you know that I go through spouts of depression.

For those of you who don't know me at all, I go through spouts of depression. They're never triggered by anything, and sometimes they can go months without even occurring. But at random times throughout my life I feel what can only be described (as stupid as this sounds) as a cloud over my spirit, and a hurricane in my heart.

My freshman year of college was the best example for a too long spout of depression that ultimately resulted in me making some awful choices, and eventually getting kicked out of college.

This past week, plus now a few days I've felt this relentless depression/bipolar streak. In one hour I'll go from super happy to really sad and end up feeling that cloud for the rest of the day. And it really, really sucks.

Today was supposed to be a really fun day, but the whole time I was supposed to be enjoying myself, I felt my smile strain more and more because I did not want to be the idiot that lets his personal problems get in the way of a special day.

Depression is the worst (for me) when I am with someone I care about, then my head starts forming all this weird situations about what is actually going on. I would say 1/100 of what I think in this state is actually true. But either way, when I feel like this, I find it sooooo hard to trust people.

There's a line from a Matthew Good song

"Build your heart of diamonds and you won't need no ring"

And sometimes that is EXACTLY how I feel. I wish I could do that. I often feel that I have SUCH a soft heart, but have no good way at ALL of protecting it from the seemingly inevitable hurt of being vulnerable with those you care about.

But I know in my HEART underneath that damn rain cloud that caring about someone while not wanting or expecting anything in return is one of the best feelings I have ever felt.

Of course, someone caring about you back IS essential for functioning relationships, but you should already care about them regardless. Does that make any sense? I hope so, and if not it made sense to me in my brain.

Truly caring about someone, and enjoying who they are, with no expectations and refusing reciprocation's based on a feeling of obligation, not knowing if I will ever be good enough for anyone is one of the most terrifying thoughts to me.

Not knowing if anyone could, or will care about me as much as I care about other people looms over my heart sometimes just as much as joy and hope and love do. And it scares the hell out of me.