build your heart of diamonds and you won't need no ring

For those of you who have known me for a long time, you know that I go through spouts of depression.

For those of you who don't know me at all, I go through spouts of depression. They're never triggered by anything, and sometimes they can go months without even occurring. But at random times throughout my life I feel what can only be described (as stupid as this sounds) as a cloud over my spirit, and a hurricane in my heart.

My freshman year of college was the best example for a too long spout of depression that ultimately resulted in me making some awful choices, and eventually getting kicked out of college.

This past week, plus now a few days I've felt this relentless depression/bipolar streak. In one hour I'll go from super happy to really sad and end up feeling that cloud for the rest of the day. And it really, really sucks.

Today was supposed to be a really fun day, but the whole time I was supposed to be enjoying myself, I felt my smile strain more and more because I did not want to be the idiot that lets his personal problems get in the way of a special day.

Depression is the worst (for me) when I am with someone I care about, then my head starts forming all this weird situations about what is actually going on. I would say 1/100 of what I think in this state is actually true. But either way, when I feel like this, I find it sooooo hard to trust people.

There's a line from a Matthew Good song

"Build your heart of diamonds and you won't need no ring"

And sometimes that is EXACTLY how I feel. I wish I could do that. I often feel that I have SUCH a soft heart, but have no good way at ALL of protecting it from the seemingly inevitable hurt of being vulnerable with those you care about.

But I know in my HEART underneath that damn rain cloud that caring about someone while not wanting or expecting anything in return is one of the best feelings I have ever felt.

Of course, someone caring about you back IS essential for functioning relationships, but you should already care about them regardless. Does that make any sense? I hope so, and if not it made sense to me in my brain.

Truly caring about someone, and enjoying who they are, with no expectations and refusing reciprocation's based on a feeling of obligation, not knowing if I will ever be good enough for anyone is one of the most terrifying thoughts to me.

Not knowing if anyone could, or will care about me as much as I care about other people looms over my heart sometimes just as much as joy and hope and love do. And it scares the hell out of me.