why i don't/didn't like my time here at BGSU

My friend Abby says that I use my humor as a coping mechanism. She's exactly right. A lot of time I use my humor to create a noise (laughter) that is louder than the roar in my heart (regrets).

I regret too much. I am in a living situation, where, for all intensive purposes I live alone with three other people that are basically strangers that I couldn't have less of a connection to. With living alone, comes no community once you get home. I am left with myself, and far too often an overwhelming sense of loneliness and regret.

One of the biggest regrets that I have had to wade through these past 4 years is my choice of college. In high school, when it came time to sign up and look for a school to go to, I could not of cared less. I figured all college would be the same, so I just picked BGSU because that's where my parents went. This is one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life.

I can not explain in words how much I regret not looking at other schools, and in general, not GOING to another school. The four years I have spent at BGSU have been some of the most stressful and miserable of my entire life, and I am sure that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't want to be here. Albeit, I hate it here. Just when I think I find something worth while or a "reason" I picked BGSU, that reason gets it's legs kicked out and again I am left with regret.

I remember my youth minister saying that I should pray and seek wisdom about what school I should go to...which I didn't do. And yet again, regret beyond words not doing.

I am in a major that I very much enjoy (Communications), but I find myself in more lecture classes where I have to take exams, and get my ass kicked by exams, as OPPOSED TO GIVING SPEECHES. Public speaking, being a HUGE HUGE HUUUGE part of my major--and what I am most talented at, hence me choosing this as my major. So I am constantly under stress to get good grades in these lecture classes--classes that consist of 3 exams...no speeches, no papers. Just multiple choice exams. There is not a day that goes by that I don't not worry about my grades in those stupid lecture classes, and wonder why in the hell my classes are not more focused on PUBLIC SPEAKING. Hell, even paper writing would be amazing.

Now, you may be reading this thinking that I'm just lazy, and that's why I suck at exams. But I'd say you're dumb--because paper and speech writing takes just as much, if not MORE preparation then taking an exam. So clearly, it has nothing to do with laziness as much as it does sheer lack of test taking "talent".

Every time something goes wrong here at BGSU, I am reminded that I was the idiot that decided to not look at any other schools. Schools that I would probably have been a much better fit at--with the school, and with the community found at the school.

So now I am wasting/have wasted +3 years of my life, being at a school I wish I never would've went to.

I suppose you could look at this all as self fulfilling prophecy, that I say I am having a terrible time and hate this place, so I end up doing both. But the thing about it is, is I DON'T WANT TO BE MISERABLE. Who the does!? I take any chance I get to be around people I love and people I enjoy, they are my sanctuary at this place, even if that group of people is a fairly inconsistent one. I thank God though that I have met some of the people I have in school--a lot of it seemingly by chance, which makes me realize that God must know that sometimes I would much rather be hit by a bus than go to this school.

This is the last year I will be at BGSU. Hell or high water, I am getting out of here with my degree and sanity in tact. From the start of the school year I have been feeling this pressure in and around my heart that is screaming with every once of my being to "GET OUT OF HERE", before you end up anymore hurt and worse-off than you already are. Yet it seems I can't even listen to my own advice. Instead of severing ties, I find myself trying to hold on and even make one that I want to last my whole life--but I know I have to let go of before I lose my mind and I find myself with a heart that is broken and jaded beyond repair.

Everything in me wants to leave Bowling Green State University. I don't know what I will do next, but I believe that most anything will be better than the past +3 years of my life here. Because I can never figure out why I find myself hurt so much lately, and then I remember that (more than likely) I wasn't even supposed to go here in the first place. It's like I'm a character in a movie that never had a part written for me, so I am constantly trying to fit in and find where I belong--only to fail time and time and time again.

I am so...so...so thankful for the people that I have met here that have kept me together and sane when I thought I was about to lose it. Even people that I have met not at the school, but in these past four years through things I've been involved with. Namely, my friend Abby. I am almost certain that I would of not made it through this past year if I had not known her, my friend Brian, and Bevan and a few other good people that have been there for me to call and literally cry to and just pour my heart out to. I do believe that God has given me those friendships because He sees and hears my heart cry out to Him so often that I just want to get out of here.

It is the hardest thing ever for me to not imagine what my life would've looked like at another school. At a school where I was actually supposed to go and fit in at. Because I know that it was not and is not BGSU.

I just hope so much that God will eventually clear my vision enough so that when I look back on my time at BGSU I won't just see and live in my regrets, but that He will bring the few lasting friendships I have made here to the focus, and that I can just forget everything and everyone else.