i am a emotion junkie(?)

"An emotion junkie"

This is a phrase that I often think of to describe myself, but then totally forget about two seconds after I think of how and why.

I have had many conversations with my friend Justin Price, and they often strike me at odd times- days, weeks, or even years after they occur. I recall one conversation about a band called MuteMath, he was saying how he loves them, and I was saying how they don't really do it for me. I think they are a talented band, for sure, but they don't really have that "thing" for me.

He then said that he thinks it's because they're not emotional, or angsty, sad, or angry for me. I couldn't really tell if he was joking, and we both just blew it off and went on with the conversation. But last night while I was at a bar/club (the Cla-Zel) with my friend's Brian, Scott, and Brian's fiance Katey, it finally hit me what he was saying:

As I was listening to the cool, 80's music stop, and the house DJ start spinning, my mood suddenly went from stoked and happy to something similar to "What is this hell being laid on my ears?" as the tunes went from what sounded like Lil'Wayne to a million other dudes that sounded just like him, I was thinking "This music is so dull. There is no life to it. It's just going through the motions, with not a single ounce of emotion in it."

Then it hit me.

I walk around campus with my music playing, drumming on my legs, slightly to mildly head banging, adrenaline pumping, a smile on my face, not because I want to be entertained on the way to my next destination, but because I want to feel something. I want to feel stoked listening to Oh, Sleeper, Underoath, The Devil Wears Prada. I want to feel excited about life, I don't want to feel nothing.

When I watch movies, I want to feel the same way. I love suspense- because I feel like I'm on the edge of my seat. I love movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Vanilla Sky, The Butterfly Effect, because they are emotional movies. You can't watch those movies and not feel moved and touched by the characters on the screen.

After school, I get in my car, plug in my ipod, and rock out on the way home, because of how it's making me feel. When I get home, I plug in my ipod into my laptop and turn on much mellower music because it makes me feel relaxed and some of it even makes me want to fall in love, or feel like I'm the verge of it (The Album Leaf, Bon Iver, The Civil Wars).

I have my ipod constantly on play not because I want to be entertained by music, but because I want music to move me. I want music to make me feel.

This is why I can't stand typical club music, because there just isn't any feeling to it. Or why I can't watch sports on TV, or just TV in general, because there's just no feeling in it. Yes, TV and sports can be emotional, but they rarely ever actually make me feel anything.

From all of this, I call myself an emotion junkie. From the Chet Early Dictionary, 2010 1st Edition:

emotion junkie: someone who constantly wants to feel powerfully moved in an emotional way. light to mild cases take the place of people consistently moving themselves via mediums such as art, books, music, movies.

So I don't know yet if this will positively or negatively affect my life, but I do know now that it is a huge part of it, and I can't help but wonder if there are other people like this too.

I can count the times where it has been a burden to me though, cases where I will be extremely stoked on life, through listening to music, and be on this huge high- only for something during the day to go horribly wrong. This causes something like a bipolar feeling within me. I got straight from that amazing high to just feeling absolutely terrible in a matter of seconds.

Anyways, this is just how I see it. And my attempt to do a little bit of psychology on myself.

I believe that one of the keys to living the best, and most happiest life you can- is continuously try to understand yourself.