i am 22 years old, and have gone through what feels to be 22 years of public education/schooling. Always trying to study, pass the tests, do good in the class...that stuff takes up a LOT of your time.
Between shifting schools (elementary, middle, high school, college), my friends have shifted too. At times I've been to blindsided to notice. I have shifted. In college, where I live changed almost every single year. It was not a stable time, there is no real chance to grow roots I feel like, in college, because once you are done you are expected to leave and move onto something else, and then something else. And it seems the only chance I will have to have something "stable" in my life will be when I either a) get a real job or b) get married...or a combination of both.
I don't really like that feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling and stuff, but I like knowing that I am coming back home. And to me, the past four years I haven't really been able to be "home". Even my parents house, which I suppose is still my house, isn't really "home" anymore, as it is where I go only on vacations and whatnots from school.
I miss the feeling I had from elementary to high school of really having a "home". I really and truly do, and I hope to find it again someday.
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Last week i sat down the girl I'm in love with and I told her:
"Listen, I know that you never, ever, not in a million years ever planned for a boy to be in love with you like this when you are just a junior in college. I know that you never planned to have such complicated feelings towards me because of it. I know that you never planned to think about a family, or marriage, or maybe even a serious relationship until after grad school. But...here I am. [Name], love is not convenient. And I can honestly tell you I never, ever, imagined I would feel like this about anyone, especially someone who doesn't feel the same to me. But please don't pass up the opportunity for us to at least have a real relationship when you get back--simply because 'now is not the right time'. Sure, maybe you'll never love me, but I know that you've never even tried. And I know that my love for you is genuine and real and selfless and pure. I believe in us, and I have faith that this could be something absolutely amazing. And I KNOW that this love did not come at a convenient time, but I guess love is not the most convenient thing ever..."
I don't know if what I said got through to her on any level. I don't know if she will ever weigh the fact that she KNOWS with her whole right that I would never hurt her or leave her or forsake her and that I adore her on every single level possible, I don't know if she truly wondered if someone else will see her the same way I do.
I almost think that if she did, she would be on the same page as me--telling me that we should wait until she gets back to give this whole thing a fair go--even if she just really likes me right now and I love her.
This love, may very well be the only of its kind to ever step into her life, and I can say that in all honesty for many reasons. But if she denies what this could be because she is simply too scared of what she KNOWS it could be, and that the timing isn't the best, who am I to say otherwise?
I know that if she lets this go because of the inconvenience of the timing in her life, it will be the single greatest tragedy that has (and hopefully will ever) befall my life. Because I know that this could be a simply unbelievable relationship if she would just let go of the fact that this is not when she planned/wanted all of this to happen.
At this point, I honestly don't know the ending. I don't know what she'll choose. I just know that my heart is ready for that next step, and I love her, and I want that next step to be her.
But, I know that a month ago I almost moved on in my life, albeit, that was by simply forgetting that she exists. Again though, here we are. Falling right back into what she said she didn't want from the start. It's all so natural.
I just honestly know, in my heart, that she will end up regretting not giving this a chance because she didn't find this relationship to be convenient and on her time schedule as to where she wanted to be in life. I know that one day I'd be able to move on, and find someone who loves me and I will love them as much if not more than I love this girl right now. But I can't help but wonder if I too will always regret that she didn't give us a chance, and always wonder "what if" she did...
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